Worst joke in the world thread

[0iD]

Adam is walking in the garden of Eden and has his head down. God walks over and says, "My son i see you are depressed, how can i help? ".

Adam looks at GOD and says, "Father you have givin me a beautiful world to live. Good food to eat. Plenty of things to do. But i need a mate."

God rubs his chin and replies, "My Son, Ill give you a woman. One that will cook for you, worship you, make love to you all night. But i need one of your legs to make her."

Adam thinks for a moment and says, "What can I get for a Rib?"

--------------------------------

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Same as Monogamy then

--------------------------------

A vagrant walked up to me in the street yesterday and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
I looked into his sunken pleading eyes and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

[[GSV]Trig]

Whats pink, hard and full of seamen...













A pink submarine

[[GSV]Trig]

What do you call a blonde with a runny nose.....




















Full.....

[Zedmeister]

<frank carson mode>



2 men walk into a bar eating sandwiches. The barman says "Ye can't eat your own sandwiches here" so the 2 men swap sandwiches.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Dug

A man's walking down a street with a califlower on a rope. A woman comes up to him and says "Why do you have a vegetable on a lead?" The man replies: "I'm taking my Colli out for a walk" It's a cracker!

</frank carson mode>

[0iD]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman go to a strip club. They belly up to the front row and the lady does her stuff. For the finale she waggles her naked bum in the Englishman's face; he reaches for his wallet, takes out a tenner, licks it and slaps it on her left buttock. The stripper moves along and repeats the manouvre in front of the Irishman; he too takes a tenner from his wallet, licks it and slaps it on her right cheek. She now confronts the Scot with her arse and wiggles it as before. He also removes his wallet, takes out his credit card, swipes it and takes twenty pounds cashback. . . . . . .

------------------------------------

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

'Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector', says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man.

'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile. '

'Nothing unusual here', thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

' Ah, ' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.

'Why is he smiling then? ' inquires the Inspector.

coroner replies : 'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

[Lu-tze]

two elephants walk off a cliff...



BOOM! BOOM!

[Lee H]

2 fish in a tank.... 1 turns to the other fish and says... " you sure you know how to drive this thing "

What do you call a blind deaf elephant?
Anything you want... it can't hear you

What do you call a 1 eyed dinosaur ?
A do-you-think-he-sawrus

Okkkkkkay ... I'll get my coat

[Allen]

What do you call a deaf dog?














Anything you like, it won't ****ing come to you!

[Lee H]

What goes " ooooooooooooooooooooooo "

A cow with no lips

[Allen]

What do you call a 1 eyed dinosaur ?
A do-you-think-he-sawrus

What do you call a 1 eyed dinosaurs dog?

Do-you-think-he-sawrus Rex.

[Allen]

What goes "Bang, bang, waaaaaah, bang, bang, waaaaaaah"
A baby falling down the stairs?

What's red and bumps into walls?
A baby with a fork in it's eye.

What do you call a Crow with a machine gun?
Sir.

[Nick]

How do you get to Wales in a mini?
One in the back and one in the front.


The postman had a shock today when he rang the bell and I opened the door in my underpants... most people have buttons.

[Allen]

A man walks into a bar with an Ostrich and a cat. He sits himself down at the bar and orders a pint. He asks the Ostrich what he wants and orders it then asks the same question to the cat. The cat replies "I'll have a Vodka and Lemonade, but I'm not ****ing paying for it!".

After ordering the drinks, the bartender says "That'll be £4.50 please". The man puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out exactly £4.50 in change, and hands it to the bartender. The bartender is slightly bemused, but accepts it and puts the money in the till.

A little while later, the man asks the bartender for another pint. He asks the Ostrich what he wants and orders it then asks the same question to the cat. The cat again replies "I'll have a Vodka and Lemonade, but I'm not ****ing paying for it!".

After ordering the drinks, the bartender says "That'll be £4.50 please". The man puts his hand in his pocket and once again pulls out exactly £4.50 in change, and hands it to the bartender.

This time, curiosity got the better of him. The bartender asks "Excuse me mate, but how comes each time you reach into your pocket you pull out the exact money?"

"Well," the man replies, "I found this lamp right, and after rubbing it a genie came out and granted me 3 wishes. The first wish was that every time I needed to pay for something, I wanted to pull out the exact change, and hey presto. The next day I walked into a Mercedes showroom and pulled out the exact amount of cash to buy a Mercedes".

"Wow," the bartender replies, "so what's with the Ostrich and the cat then?"

"Well, for my second wish, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"

[Allen]

How do you get to Wales in a mini?
One in the back and one in the front.


The postman had a shock today when he rang the bell and I opened the door in my underpants... most people have buttons.

OK, they have to be the worst... I don't get either!

[Allen]

Did you hear about the Irishman who had a boil on his arse?
He stuck a plaster on the mirror...

[DaBeeeenster]

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.