Just for fun - Fridays jokes

[Ben_]

Al: do i know you?

[MadduckUK]

see i knew you were Al. youv confused yorself now!

[Steve B]

moving on...

[barryledder]

what happened?? why have you all stopped?? right im not having it and im gonna post some more humour!!!!


Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fing car."


A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this."

[Steve B]

lol

a good pair there

[Whiternoise]

There once was a man who wanted to buy his son a birthday present. He went into town, went to all the shops he could find, but wasn't satisfied with what was on offer. After a time, he came upon a Second Hand Camel shop. He walked in, and thinking that his son would love a camel, purchased one. On the way back to his house, he noticed that the camel had a leg missing and in it's place, there was a note attatched.

The note read " To get the leg back, look in your wardrobe.."

So, the man duly looked in his wardrobe and was shocked to find find a whole world behind his dressing gown. With the idea of the present still in his mind, he set off into the world (a barren desert). He walked for miles and miles and eventually came across a refrigerator - he opened the door and was surprised to see another world, this one icy cold.

After coming across many of these occurences and traversing goodness knows how many places he came across another desert. In the middle of the desert was an large lemon, sitting upon a huge mound.

The man asked the lemon if he had stolen the camel leg and the lemon said..























..No.

(hehe 30 seconds of your time wasted! - it's a lot funnier when you're drunk)

But here's a better one:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit I put a glass of vodka next to the glass of water. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."
So, next Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.
6) We do not refer the Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body.” He did not say, “Eat Me!”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!”
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s