Women

[Clunk]

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod over, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[pollaxe]

Just go for it and be yourself. If you're not a confident person then you'll only be pretending and if she likes confident guys then there'll be trouble in the future. I know girls who like confident guys and ones who like shy, quiet guys.

My point being is that all advice can be taken generally but women are individual and they all like different things but if you're ever trying to understand them then forget it!

(I feel I've been very good here by not adding terms like 'hormonally-crazed nutters,' 't*twitches, the lot of 'em,' or 'the essence of pure evil.' Yes, I am single!)

[tiggerai]

(I feel I've been very good here by not adding terms like 'hormonally-crazed nutters,' 't*twitches, the lot of 'em,' or 'the essence of pure evil.' Yes, I am single!)

Well done on that one, it would only have ended in tears. Yours.

[usxhe190]

if you can master why you treat women you like and women you dont like differently, then you have a better chance i think...

but at the same time, it also depends on the woman, if they dont like you, they dont like you...

[[GSV]Trig]

Unless your rich, in which case they can not like you but still pretend

[pollaxe]

Well done on that one, it would only have ended in tears. Yours.

Thanks for making my point!

Yes, I am bitter but I try not to make it contagious.

Don't forget that it's been suggested a woman will find a man attractive due in part to the smell he gives off. The more different their immune systems then the more attractive he'll be (in theory) as any offspring they produce would have a strong immune system... so, if a woman doesn't like you it could simply be you don't smell quite right to her on a some level, and they said romance was dead.. ain't nature grand?? etc.

[usxhe190]

totally agree with you [GSV]Trig

[TooNice]

Don't forget that it's been suggested a woman will find a man attractive due in part to the smell he gives off. The more different their immune systems then the more attractive he'll be (in theory) as any offspring they produce would have a strong immune system... so, if a woman doesn't like you it could simply be you don't smell quite right to her on a some level, and they said romance was dead.. ain't nature grand?? etc.

That's the first time I've heard of it, and I am definitely taking it with a pinch of salt. Good hygiene is definitely important (whether you are with a woman or even your mates really - heck even for your own sake), and yes, I've heard that women have a keener sense of smell on average. But I doubt that there is any connection between the smell you give off and the strength of your immune system. If that is really how it works, I doubt nature would make the mistake of restricting guys of that ability

PS: I've got a kick ass immune system.. though I've probably jinxed myself saying that

[TeePee]

Heres a little reading matter for you. I'm a little cautious posting this, because I certainly don't identify with the author, but it is an interesting perspective, and there are certainly some truths contained:

Caution for severely unsafe for work content!

http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/Are_You_Beta

[pollaxe]

That's the first time I've heard of it, and I am definitely taking it with a pinch of salt. Good hygiene is definitely important (whether you are with a woman or even your mates really - heck even for your own sake), and yes, I've heard that women have a keener sense of smell on average. But I doubt that there is any connection between the smell you give off and the strength of your immune system. If that is really how it works, I doubt nature would make the mistake of restricting guys of that ability

PS: I've got a kick ass immune system.. though I've probably jinxed myself saying that

LOL well it's certainly a theory (I think it's on Nature's web site but it's one of those subscriber only articles) and it's nothing to do with smelling good or bad or the comparative strength of your immune system. Rather, the theory states if your immune systems are very different then you will 'smell' better to the woman in question. By mixing both immune systems from the parents any potential offspring should thus be stronger.

Obviously there's a lot more to it than that, it's just yet another factor (possibly) in the misery that is the mating game.

[IBM]

Heres a little reading matter for you. I'm a little cautious posting this, because I certainly don't identify with the author, but it is an interesting perspective, and there are certainly some truths contained:

Caution for severely unsafe for work content!

http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/Are_You_Beta

Very good read.....I'll be talking it through with the wife later

[Stewart]

I don't think there was any need for titwitches...

[fat jez]

LOL well it's certainly a theory (I think it's on Nature's web site but it's one of those subscriber only articles) and it's nothing to do with smelling good or bad or the comparative strength of your immune system. Rather, the theory states if your immune systems are very different then you will 'smell' better to the woman in question. By mixing both immune systems from the parents any potential offspring should thus be stronger.

pheromones basically. Something you can't smell which subconsciously gives a silent thumbs up or thumbs down to any person you meet. So really, when they say that love is all about chemistry, they're right.

Cheers,
Stephen

[Lee H]

Don't forget that it's been suggested a woman will find a man attractive due in part to the smell he gives off.

I've been manhandled a few times due to my aftershave... does that count

[fat jez]

I've been manhandled a few times due to my aftershave... does that count

What do you wear? Might come in handy...

Cheers,
Stephen

[tiggerai]

I've been manhandled a few times due to my aftershave... does that count

*whistles as innocently as she can get away with*

And you sprayed it on my best mate... that was hella confusing!