The well Dodgy Joke Thread 2012

[opel80uk]

Err am i being stupid ? i really dont get it ... which is funny in itself

Took me a while to get it too.......... Think of an indentical sounding, but different meaning and spelling of the word 'where'...........

[peterb]

Blimey, that joke was doing the rounds when I was at school!

[GoNz0]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.




As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"




My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"




Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.




Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"




She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

---------- ----------

A 54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



(You'll love this)












God replied: "I didn't flaming well recognize you."


---------- ---------- ----------


A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!



The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.










Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign

'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.



This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shatteredthe coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.



'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know


Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'




'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

---------- ----------

Celibacy.............?


Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare:


“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other”.


He then addressed the men:


“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”


Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently, and whispered,


“It's Homepride, isn't it?"


And thus began Ken's life of celibacy!!

[roachcoach]

@MODS: This board needs a thank all in thread button.



From a mate, credit where its due (though he probably nicked it ):

"I was in boots ( the chemist) the other day puzzling over shampoos. An assistant asked me what products I used for grooming. You should have seen her face when I said 'Facebook' "

[Galant]

So, the Harry Potter movies are all over and done with now. Personally, I have to say the effects were great but overall the movies were just too far fetched. I mean, magic trains, flying cars and three-headed dogs - fair enough - but a ginger kid with three mates?

[peterb]

Sister Mary is taking a bath in the convent when there is a knock at the door, and a male voice asking if anyone was in there.

"Yres", said sister Mary, "who is that, you can't come in, I'm in the bath."

" .tis only Jake, the blind man from the village" he replied.

"The blind man?, That's OK, come in"

The door opens and in walks Jake. He looks at Mary...

"Hmm, nice tits sister, now, about those blinds you want fitted"

[Galant]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.


Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.


Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here!''


I tried water polo once - my horse drowned.

[GoNz0]

I was in the petrol station and I said, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets a KitKat Chunky and gives it to me. "No" I says, "I want a normal KitKat ya fat bitch!!"

[GoNz0]

[Behemoth]

A bloke goes to the Doctors, and nervously waits to be called in. Eventually he's called in to the Doctors office and he sits down.

"Now then, what seems to be the problem ?" Asks the Doctor

"It's like this, I have a very embarrassing problem and I need you to promise before I show you whats wrong you won't laugh at me" Replies the man.

"I've been a Doctor for 20 years, I have never ever laughed at a patient in my life" The Doctor replies.

"Well ok then says the man as he goes behind the screen, takes off his trousers and pants and then stands infront the Doctor with the smallest Penis the Doctor has ever seen. Straight away the Doctor starts laughing.

"I thought you said you wouldn't laugh at me" The man shouts

The Doctor replies after recovering "Yes I know, I'm sorry, whats the problem?"

The man replies "It's swollen"

[mycarsavw]

[dave87]

A Scottish Cow


The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?



The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"

[Hoonigan]

What did one piece of bread say to the other piece of bread while having sex?

I'm gonna crumb.

[Steve A]

What did one piece of bread say to the other piece of bread while having sex?

I'm gonna crumb.

OMG ... i cant stop laughing .....

[dave87]

Fifty Years Ago

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[finlay666]

Disgusted by all the Whitney Houston jokes about the internet today.

It's not right, but it's ok.