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Just some little pointers I’ve picked up, in my 24 years on this Earth. Feel free to add your own life tips.
1) Auschwitz and Leeds are not twinned, it just seems that way.
2) You should never be able to carve milk.
3) Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not trying to fit a whole one in your eye.
4) When trying to get a woman to give you oral sex, avoid at all costs the word 'gob'.
5) Even small, placid dogs will bite you, if you try to squeeze them into a Jack Daniels bottle.
6) 'If there's grass on the wicket, let’s play cricket' will not stand up as a defence, in a court of law.
7) Chimpanzees are very intelligent creatures, very similar in evolutionary terms to humans, but asking one to mind the desk for you while you pop out for a sarny and a drink will not work, as they will just mess about, eat things, and make a mess, leading to you almost certainly getting caught.
8) Even small Elephants can push you about – and they will.
9) Standing outside the local library with a big sign saying 'No books today, sorry' actually works. People accept it and go home.
10) You can 'skim' a hobnob really far, but it’s expensive. Use Rich Tea instead, they go almost as far, and it’s much cheaper.
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Originally Posted by Knoxville
