LinkBack URL
About LinkBacksA preview of the tech world in 2006 by Mike Fishcake.
January:
- Tesco straddles several bandwagons at once, and starts selling a USB-powered Little Britain Sudoku puzzle.
- Rumours surface that Dell are to start using AMD processors. These rumours are later quashed.
February
- Rumours surface that Dell are to start supplying Firefox with their PCs. These rumours are later quashed.
- AMD change their slogan to “jump ahead” and create a logo that purports to be slightly faster than the intel logo.
- Sony creates a new DRM scheme so powerful that it actually works retrospectively and won’t let you copy any MP3s, CDs, tapes or vinyl ever created, or even sing any copyrighted songs, regardless of publisher.
March
- Rabid geeks decide that Firefox, Opera and Konqueror aren’t elitist enough, so create a web browser compatible with only 3 websites. Unfortunately, these websites are Windows Update, The Christian Action Project movie review site and “Jimmy’s Crazy Frog fansite”.
- The PS3 is finally launched in Japan, however, due to unforeseen events, costs five times as much as initially planned and can only run Sega Master System games.
- Rumours surface that Dell are to start using AMD processors. These rumours are later quashed.
April
- The Nintendo Revolution is launched. Nintendo have been bluffing, and surprise the crowd at the launch by revealing that it is running 4 GeForce 7800GTX GPUs in dual SLI mode, contains a 1TB solid state Hard Drive, is the size of 2 DVD cases, includes 4 controllers and a lifetime’s subscription to Nintendo’s download service, but only costs £15.
- Apple’s Steve Jobs goes berserk and offers Microsoft’s entire board of directors out in a fight after Microsoft create a music download service called M-tunes.
May
- Infinium Labs’ Phantom console is launched in a hotdog stand outside the CES 2006 exhibition. Entertainment is provided by a drunk tramp that sings Vanilla Ice’s “ice ice baby” then falls over and urinates himself.
- In a world-changing event, life is discovered on the red planet, and billions of eyes worldwide gaze up to the skies, wondering what these beings will say, what they will do, whether they will help or hinder us, and seeing in a new era for all life.
- BT announce they will be outsourcing all call centre work to Mars.
June
- Best Buy and Game are announced as being the only two allowed suppliers of the Nintendo Revolution console, and people are only permitted to buy it as part of a £60,000 “bundle pack” which includes two high definition TVs, four hundred and fifty controllers, all the games ever created for any platform ever, and a family of leopards.
- Microsoft finally ship out millions of copies of Windows Vista for launch date, only for everyone to discover that they put identical serial numbers on every box.
- Rumours surface that Dell are to start using AMD processors. These rumours are later quashed.
July
- AMD launch their new “Athlon 64 Vista” Processor range.
- A strain of adware is created that is so strong that it permanently tattoos pornographic URLs on peoples foreheads
- Rumours surface that Dell are to start supplying Firefox with their PCs. These rumours are later quashed.
August
- Linux enthusiasts all give up and buy Windows Vista.
- Motherboard Manufacturer PC Chips sponsor a game player called “C4su4lty”, naming their latest range of boards after him. In a publicity stunt, he enters an online freecell competition, but loses his first game to an 18 month old child and storms out in tears.
- David from Hexus buys out HardOCP, Slashdot, Toms Hardware and The Register and, from his newly built giant mouse-shaped castle, fiercely and loudly demands that everyone calls him “King of the internet”.
- The Bittorrent protocol comes under attack again, this time from animal rights activists, as the first live actual chicken is made available for download from several torrent sites.
September
- We discover the real meaning of the “360” number when, 360 days after launch, three quarters of Xbox360 PSUs start humming, float up into the air and noisily burst into a cloud, shooting thousands of spores out that contain Bill Gates’ DNA for a reason we don’t yet know.
- 100% of all email sent this month is classified as spam.
- The rising popularity of Apple Computers means that 300% more viruses have been created for Mac OS than Windows in the last six months.
October
- Microsoft release a patch that change any instances of the phrase “M$” to “My favourite company Microsoft”
- The “Dead Pixel” rule on monitors is applied to other PC peripherals such as keyboards (three keys missing before it can be classified as faulty), mice (no buttons) and printers (ink has to squirt out from two cartridges before printer can be returned).
- The phrase “LOL” is banned unless users can claim that they literally Laughed Out Loud.
- Rumours surface that Dell are to start using AMD processors. These rumours are later quashed.
- Corsair manufactures a type of memory so fast, that it flies off the production line and runs around the factory with a team of 35 engineers chasing after it.
November
- Sony Ericsson launch a new video mobile that can see into people’s skin and discover what flavour crisps they like.
- TomTom release a new version of their Navigator program that advises people where they need to go before they even know where they’re going, whilst Garmin announce their new £5 StreetPilot GPS unit that can only navigate the Manchester M60 ringroad (clockwise)
- Ebay create a “fake auction” section for all those ‘hilarious’ comedians to set up ‘amusing’ fake auctions
December
- Rumours surface that Dell are to start using AMD processors. Michael Dell has a big girly tantrum and runs away screaming, never to be seen again.
- A distributed computing service is created to try and cure the baffling phenomenon of “liking reality TV”. All computers connected to the service overheat and catch fire, and the project is abandoned after 3 weeks.
- McAfee releases software that has the sole purpose of removing the Norton software suite from computers.
- After a lightning storm, Google becomes a sentient being and gets married to a 34 year old woman from Prague on Christmas day.
- Rockstar games release another game in the GTA Series called “Ludicrously gratuitous edition”, where you play the part of Jackson C***, and have to knock disabled people out of their wheelchairs, freewheel around the city vomiting knives into the faces of fluffy kittens, then break into a nursery and swing adult-related paraphernalia menacingly at small nursery school children, in the time it takes for a giant steaming poo to be defecated out of a hairy bum-shaped cloud in the sky, all to the soundtrack of sobbing grieving families, mixed with a 300bpm gabber breakbeat fusion.
Those are my predictions. What are yours?
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Mike Fishcake
