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HAHA
that was a good en'
HAHA
that was a good en'
They call mental asylum 'care homes' these days ... it's madness gone politically correct
An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw - but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled her way up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small chamber. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers began to light in reverse order.
Finally the walls opened again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old Blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son................. "Go get your mother"
What's the difference between a COFFIN and a CONDOM?
Although they both carry stiffs,
One is used for coming and the other for going.
A couple, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, both are very tired and fall asleep quickly...
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
In the early hours, the man leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies, "get your own f****** blanket!"
WORK SMART
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden,but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Son
At 4am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Son
A Priest was seated next to Paddy on a flight to Belfast.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Paddy asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips."
Paddy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."
Why don't Russians wear boxer shorts? Because Chernob'll fall out.
> >> FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS
> >> NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.
> >> THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE
> >> BED. IT
> >> WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE
ENVELOPE
> >> AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:
> >>
> >> DEAR DAD:
> >> IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO
ELOPE
> >> WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND
> >> YOU.
> >> I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN
> >> WITH ALL
> >> HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT
> >> ONLY
> >> THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY
> >> HAPPY
> >> TOGETHER
> >>
> >> EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE
> >> ALREADY
> >> OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE
> >> WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE
> >> OF
> >> MY DREAMS TOO.
> >>
> >> BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL
BE
> >> GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE
> >> COCAINE
> >> AND ECSTASY (woo hoo ) WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT
> >> SCIENCE WILL FIND A
> >> CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
> >>
> >> DON'T WORRY DAD; I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF
> >> MYSELF.
> >> SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR
> >> GRANDCHILDREN .
> >>
> >> YOUR SON,
> >>
> >> Bill
> >>
> >> P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I
JUST
> >> WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT
> >> CARD
> >> THAT'S IN MY DESK, CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!
> >>
> >> CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.
>
lol that's great! I wish I tried that way back when!
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