The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[0iD]

A midget from Texas had testicles which hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"


The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

[0iD]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.......

[0iD]

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the sh!t out of me.
So that's it!



After today, no more reading.

[icanhazburger]

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."

[0iD]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman


How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d**k.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong? Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a
woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be
able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she
starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up
once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[[GSV]Trig]

[this_is_gav]

That shouldn't be in the dodgy joke thread. Brilliant. In fact, it's getting printed out right now, and being post on top of the "Top 10 reasons God created Eve" list in the girls room next door. I doubt it will last long, so I best print a few.

[0iD]

Now for something a bit old

5 management lessons

Lesson 1:

A priest o ffered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."



Moral of the story:



If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says , "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."



Moral of the story:



Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 3 :

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: " Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:



To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4 :

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.



Moral of the story:


BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 5 :

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep poo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[0iD]

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can....

"Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."'

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on,

'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got a £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact.

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)

'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "You need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed.

So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife

The doctor comes back the next day.

'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

'Yes, she has' he says.

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

[kasavien]

i love this thread the jokes always make me laugh, ta OiD

[0iD]

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend
Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said
"Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu."
"Oh no not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby lets you and I play Wee wee chu.
I love you and it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"
June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said,
"Ok we'll play Wee wee chu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang
"Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
wee wee chu a Merry Christmas

[0iD]

This woman is driving home one hot summers day when she's caught in a particularly violent hailstorm. When the storm lets up, worried that the car may be damaged, she gets out and finds that there are a few small dents on the roof where the hailstones hit. So she takes the car to the nearest garage to assess the damage. The mechanic decides to have a bit of fun, and tells the woman that she can fix the dents by blowing into the exhaust pipe. "The increased air pressure in the car's interior will make the dents pop right back up again, and the roof will be good as new, " he says. Completely missing the joke, she takes this piece of advice seriously, and a little later, she is back at her place, on her hands and knees, blowing into the exhaust pipe. Half an hour later, the dents are still there, so she decides to get one of her girlfriends out of a neighbouring house, and explain to her what she's doing. "I was out driving, when a hailstorm caused these little dents on the car roof. I took it to a garage, and the man there said to blow into the exhaust pipe to increase the air pressure in the car to make the dents pop up. I've been trying it for half an hour, but it's not working. " Her girlfiend replies: "You really are thick sometimes aren't you. That's never gonna work. " "Why not? " "You haven't wound the windows up you stupid tart. "

[0iD]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years? "

The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? "

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. "

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish? "

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have? " Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life. " And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my bollocks removed now, don't you? "

[0iD]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. " The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too? "

[0iD]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume, " she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning? " "There is, " he replied. "Breakfast. "

A young boy approaches his mother and asks, "why do women get married in white. . ? " Mother replies, "because they are angelic, virginal creatures and white is the colour of angels. " The boy asks his dad the same question to which the father replies, "All kitchen appliances are white, son. "

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. " Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take? " she asks. They'll grow larger over a period of years, " he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years? " The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse, didn't it? "

Well he lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.

[0iD]

Females/Males & related geography

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa -- half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -- well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India -- very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France -- gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain -- with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Isreal -- has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -- self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet --Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran --
Ruled by a prick