The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[Zadock]

Apologies for this one in advance its terrible!

There is a family lying on a beach, Gary Glitter walks over to them and asks the mother if he can borrow some sun tan lotion. she looks up at him and says "excuse me! do you mind?! your in my sun"

[0iD]

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Spot", or "Blackie", or "Fido". I call mine Sexton. Over the years that got shortened to "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said he'd like one too. Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I checked into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room was a special room for Sex. I said you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and he said me too.

One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. I said you don't undersand, I had hopes of having Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the judge said me too. Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and he said me too. Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four o'clock in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Friday.

[0iD]

A young lady is going to show her pet dog at Crufts. Owing to the strict guidelines of how the particular breed must look, it was going to take some time to groom & shave him in the correct fashion. To speed things up she decided to go & get some hair removal cream from the chemist. She reasoned that if it was safe for humans, it would be safe for her pet dog.

She walks into the chemist & asks for the largest tube of Veet they have.

"Is it for your legs dear?" asks the chemist, "Because if so I'd advise not to go out in the sun for a few days after, as it could cause bleaching of the skin"

"No, it's not for my legs" replied the woman.

"Well if it's for your underarms I'd advise not using antiperspirant for a couple of days, as it may cause stinging & irritation" said the chemist.

"No, it's not for my underarms" replied the woman.

"Well as you don't seem to be unduly cursed with facial hair, may I inquire as to it's use, seeing as you want so much of it...?" the chemist asked.

"oh," said the woman, "It's for my Schnauzer".

"Fair enough", said the chemist, "I'd just avoid vigorous sex & riding a bike for a few days"

[0iD]

Whats Black and Waits at the top of the stairs ?


Steven Hawkins after a house fire..

[Zadock]

What is black and loud?





Stevie Wonder answering the iron

[geb]

Did you here about the Irish spokesman who thought that "Muffin the mule" was a sex offence

[geb]

What about the man who goes into the clock shop and puts his cock on the counter, the lady say's this a clock shop not a cock shop, the man say's stick two hand on that then,,,

[JK Ferret]

Try putting both in one post next time, double posting is considered spam most of the time


Some quick one-liners:


How do you know when a moth farts?

It flies straight for a moment.



How do you make a butterfly?

Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife.


And a couple of limericks


On the breast of a barmaid named Gail
Were tattoed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same, but written in Braille.


There was a young curate from Kew
Who kept a Tom Cat in a pew
And taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek
But it never got farther than mu.


There once was a man from the sticks
Who liked to compose limericks
But he gave up the sport
Because he wrote them too short

[sohaib]

Lol!

[JK Ferret]

I saw this, and thought that it goes well with the Stevie Wonder ones being told:



EDIT: well, it does if you can see it...

http://www.thesilence.ca/random_junk..._backwards.jpg

EDIT2: Christ that's rubbish, link doesn't work either

[this_is_gav]

Just refresh it when it pops up in a new window/tab. Works then (in Firefox anyway).

[TAKTAK]

Just for JK...

[JK Ferret]

Yep, that's the one.

I could see it on my screen, but links not working. Internet fails.

[schmunk]

http://www.thesilence.ca/random_junk/

then navigate.

[sleepyhead]

(These jokes have been castrated due to the swearing the originals had)

Norfolk couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for pete's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'


My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not bloomin' listening'


Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you idiot'. He replied casually,
'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your bum but you said, 'Get lost it'll be too painful'.


I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off andwalks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and buggers off.


If the following is deemed inappropriate, I apologise and will remove it. For now, highlight to read.

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Zadock]

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders kids?


No?


Neither has he.



Tommy Cooper specials:

News flash!! A two seater cesna plane crashed last night in a grave yeard in northern ireland... rescue workers have found 12 bodies so far and more are expected to be found as digging continues into the night.


I went to a seafood disco last night... pulled a muscle