The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[med2003]

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.

"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.

"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.

"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

[med2003]

Two men in an airport bump into each other.

The first man says 'I can't find my wife'

The second replies 'I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?'

"Well", the first man replies, she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt
and high heels. What does yours look like?'

"F**k her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours".

[trickz]

What do you get if you cross a crocodile and a nun?

A snappy sister

[trickz]

Why did the golfer take an extra pair of trousers with him?

In case he got a whole in one!

[Gobbob]

Why did the golfer take an extra pair of trousers with him?

In case he got a whole in one!

*sigh*

-Gobbob

[Gobbob]

A construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Irishman. Not wanting to employ him he said, "You gotta pass my test first, Here's your first question."

"Without using numbers represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" ! ;
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"
"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred.

So when do I start work?"

-Gobbob

[Gobbob]

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"

-Gobbob

[chuckskull]

thats a good 'un

Love this thread.

[0iD]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* ! the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?"



"OH MY GAWD!" Ethel exclaims. '"He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!".

[0iD]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose." I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining of course" he replied and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,

"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

[JK Ferret]

Harry shows Tom a beautiful diamond ring he's bought for his wife's birthday.
'I thought she wanted a 4-wheel drive?' says Tom
'She did,' replies Harry, 'but where am I going to find a fake Land Rover?'
-------------------------------
A couple had their first child on the NHS...it was terrible. They had to wait 9 months first.
-------------------------------
2 blondes are walking down the road. One says 'Oh dear, look at that dead bird.'
The other looks into the sky and says 'Where?'
-------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in 18 months...I don't like to interrupt her.

(and to even it out...)

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilise one egg?

Because not one of them will stop and ask for directions.

[0iD]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!!!!!!'

[0iD]

I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

[Grm]

A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.

MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"

Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"

Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."

Much applause.

MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"

Simon: "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be ....

(wait for it....)







Simon and half uncle!!

[jon bda]

Man walks into the chemist's and ask's where the tampax are...

'third row up on the right' replies the assistant...

man returns five minutes later with cotton wool and toilet roll...

'i thought you wanted tampax?' asks the assistant...

'i sent her out the other night for cigarettes' the man says, 'she bought baccy and rizla's...if i've got to roll my own, so can f*****g she'

[JK Ferret]

By any chance, have any of these jokes come from the book series 'Man Walks Into A Bar'?




Good news: Pete Doherty has entered a 12-step drug program.
Bad news: He lives 12 steps away from a crack house.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you're trying to start fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure one of them is a match.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Smokers are just like everyone else. Just not as long.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why couldn't the blonde write 11?
She didn't know which one came first.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the woman who backed into a fan?
Disassed-er!