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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #353
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Marriage Counselling


    A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
    painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
    years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
    loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
    un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time
    the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
    wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling
    her intimately.

    The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in
    a daze.
    The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
    needs at least three times a week......
    Can you do this?'

    The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her
    off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I play golf.'

  2. #354
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread





























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  4. #355
    Don't feed the trolls... tiggerai's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    yeah I love those graphical representations of songs... hilarious.

  5. #356
    Seething Cauldron of Hatred TheAnimus's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    As all i've been working on for the last 3 weeks is this trade finding tools which produces charts these are quite brilliant.

    "Percentage of boys brought to yard by respective milkshare".... excllenet.
    throw new ArgumentException (String, String, Exception)

  6. #357
    0iD
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Chap goes to the doctors. "D-d-d-d-doctor, I j-j-j-j-just c-c-c-can't s-s-s-stop s-s-s-stuttering"

    "OK young chappie" says the doctor, "Strip off & let's give you a thorough examination".

    So, after a good hour of probing & tests, the doctor tells him to get dressed & sit down.

    "Well young man, the problem, in my professional opinion, is that your willy is about 12 inches too long"

    The chap is quite taken aback, then after a few minutes contamplation he asks the doctor to do the necessary.

    As luck would have it, the doctor has a space in his day surgery & agrees to perform the reduction that very afternoon.

    A week goes by & the young chap is back to see the doctor for a check-up.
    "Doctor, the result of the surgery is nothing short of miraculous! No stutter at all, but the wife, she's not happy, not happy at all. Can you preform a reversal? I'd rather have the stutter to be honest"

    Doc looks at him, shakes his head "S-s-s-sorry s-s-s-son, but n-n-n-not b-b-b-bloody likekely!"

    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  7. #358
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

    To My Dear Wife,

    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

    Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight.

    When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
    the dining room table:

    To My Dear Husband,

    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.

    I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
    As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

    Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  8. #359
    No more Mr Nice Guy. Nick's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A guy goes for a job interview.

    Everything is going quite well but the female interviewer is slightly perturbed by the man winking at her all the time.

    It gets to the point where she feels she has to ask him what he means by all this winking as she saw it as a crude come-on which she didn't appreciate at all.

    The man is very apologetic. "I'm sorry, I have a nerve condition that means I sometimes can't help but wink... I don't mean anything by it all."

    She replies, "Ok, but it's very distracting... is there nothing you can do about it?"

    "Well aspirin often helps, I have a pack here in my pocket somewhere..."

    At which point he stands up and starts emptying his pockets out onto the table.

    The woman is shocked to see packets and packets of condoms, dozens of them, appearing from the man's pockets.

    "Hang on", she says, "I'm not entirely sure that you're right for the job if you walk around with all these condoms on you all the time... what kind of company do you think this is?"

    "Oh no,", exclaims the man, "This lot isn't my fault, honestly!"

    "Not your fault? How is dozens of packs of condoms not your fault?" she asks.

    "Well", replies the man, "You try walking into a chemist's winking and asking for a pack of aspirin!"
    Quote Originally Posted by Dareos View Post
    "OH OOOOHH oOOHHHHHHHOOHHHHHHH FILL ME WITH YOUR.... eeww not the stuff from the lab"

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  10. #360
    It's good to be bad pauldarkside's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Nick, really, "condom"? Wouldn't that have been "Gentleman's Jerkin" in your day?
    My only concern is should I hide my true identity? A costume maybe?

    0iD: Plus weeing in it every now & again does it good
    scaryjim: 10" is just a little large to hold comfortably in one hand, which makes it a lot harder to tap, swipe and generally interact with.

  11. #361
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Nick View Post
    A guy goes for a job interview.

    Everything is going quite well but the female interviewer is slightly perturbed by the man winking at her all the time.

    It gets to the point where she feels she has to ask him what he means by all this winking as she saw it as a crude come-on which she didn't appreciate at all.

    The man is very apologetic. "I'm sorry, I have a nerve condition that means I sometimes can't help but wink... I don't mean anything by it all."

    She replies, "Ok, but it's very distracting... is there nothing you can do about it?"

    "Well aspirin often helps, I have a pack here in my pocket somewhere..."

    At which point he stands up and starts emptying his pockets out onto the table.

    The woman is shocked to see packets and packets of condoms, dozens of them, appearing from the man's pockets.

    "Hang on", she says, "I'm not entirely sure that you're right for the job if you walk around with all these condoms on you all the time... what kind of company do you think this is?"

    "Oh no,", exclaims the man, "This lot isn't my fault, honestly!"

    "Not your fault? How is dozens of packs of condoms not your fault?" she asks.

    "Well", replies the man, "You try walking into a chemist's winking and asking for a pack of aspirin!"
    lol very good I liked that

  12. #362
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

    A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

    A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

    The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Three Doctors were out playing a round of golf, they soon got onto which type of person they liked to operate on most.

    The first one said :

    "I like to operate on electricians, you know exactly where everything is as it's all colour coded"

    The second one disagreed and said :

    "I prefer to work on Mathematics teachers, everything is clearly numbered"

    The third one piped up and said :

    "No, I prefer to operate on Politicians, there head and ass are fully interchangeable"

  15. #364
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....
    that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes

    After a few days they meet again.....

    The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
    He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long

    The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night

    The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
    opens the door and says:























    'Alright Batman, what's for dinner?'

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  17. #365
    ɯʎɔɐɹsɐʌʍ mycarsavw's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Hear the one about the nun?

    This drunk guy comes out of a bar, and walks up to a nun in this big black cape.
    Wham! He slugs her in her teeth. She goes down and he keeps on pounding her.

    After about 5 minutes he stops, looks at her and says:

    "You're not so tough, Batman!"

    From La Haine - brilliant film if you've not seen it.
    |Kata: "Read title as 'fisting'. Not sure why I clicked. Relieved, really."|
    |TAKTAK: "It was so small that mine wouldn't fit into it"|

  18. #366
    Don't feed the trolls... tiggerai's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    La Haine is one of the best foreign language films i've seen.

    I am all out of jokes today. so i shall go find one and report back later.

  19. #367
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    There's a line.. and that just about crosses it chap keep them a smidgen cleaner please !

  20. #368
    It's good to be bad pauldarkside's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathong View Post
    (yes i know it's phile)
    At least get the first bit spelt correctly
    My only concern is should I hide my true identity? A costume maybe?

    0iD: Plus weeing in it every now & again does it good
    scaryjim: 10" is just a little large to hold comfortably in one hand, which makes it a lot harder to tap, swipe and generally interact with.

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