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About LinkBacksOriginally Posted by Whiternoise
grayg1 (11-11-2008),JK Ferret (12-11-2008),shadowmaster (12-11-2008)
What's got 4 legs and goes shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Rod Hulls telly.
Check you out, kickin' it '99-style...
Too soon?
It came from a FHM magazine joke book.
Still:
What weighs 8lbs and wont be plucked this Christmas?
John Denvers guitar.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
[
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his arse.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother.
Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur? A: A Megasauras
Last edited by 0iD; 11-11-2008 at 11:14 PM.
GoNz0 (11-11-2008)
Yes it's old, and maybe a repost, but I'm dusting it off & giving it an airing!
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms! " "No matter, " said the man, "Observe! " He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man? " "I don't know his name, " the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell. "
(but wait, there's more. . . ) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty. " The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? ", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man? " "I don't know his name, "sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother. "
This guy rushes home and bursts in the door and says to his wife "Pack your bags sweetheart I've just won the lottery all six numbers" "Thats wonderful" she said, "Shall I pack for the beach or the mountains"
He replied "I don't care. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . just f#@k off!"
What has 8 balls and likes to screw old ladies?
Bingo!
sleepyhead (11-11-2008)
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
0iD (11-11-2008),GoNz0 (12-11-2008),Workaholic (13-11-2008)
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
A family of moles were marching through their tunnels, nose to
tail, with daddy mole at the front followed by mummy mole, daughter mole
and little baby mole. Suddenly baby mole shouts "I can smell treacle" so
they go on to the next wide point of the tunnel, all shuffle past each
other and start off in the opposite direction.
After another 100 metres, baby mole shouts "I can smell
treacle" again so they all carry on to the next wide point and the whole
changing directions procedure takes place again. This happens twice more
and on the 5th occasion, daddy mole comes back and gives baby mole a hell
of a clout. "What was that for dad?" he asked.
Daddy mole said "You silly bugger. That wasn't treacle you
could smell, it was mole asses".
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started". So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished ... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels and Absinthe, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolate mini rolls.
You have no idea how good I feel!
Another:Too soon?
It came from a FHM magazine joke book.
Still:
What weighs 8lbs and wont be plucked this Christmas?
John Denvers guitar.
You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit.
But that map is wrongeded.
Africa should be where South America is, and everything shifted over to the left with it until its in the correct place. That is how God intended.
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