A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife....
Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?
I went on a trip to Egypt and I looked at those Pyramids... they were awe-inspiring... it made think "You know what, say what you like but slavery gets it done!"
Originally Posted by sleepyhead
the first one is verging on inappropiateness, but the second one takes it too far. Please could someone back me up on this or you remove the second one?
I just don't think it's that funny, and it's too dodgy...
Kids are getting smarter, eventually no amount of parental controls will be able to stop themI guess we're expected to do quite well
nah, in the spirit of the thread!
Removed the second one for you.
Like I said before, if someone finds it offensive it gets removed; I knew I was pushing the boundaries with those jokes.
mediaboy (28-09-2008)
Man walks into a iron-mongers. He askes "do you have any experience in shoeing horses?" the iron monger replies "no, but I have told a donkey to **** off."
I thought the first one was pretty good.
First one wasI loved the first one...
Now for something less dodgy
A scouser rings the local paper to place an obituary for his late wife. He only has £1 which would only get him three words.
He said write "Margaret is dead".
The guy at the paper felt sorry for him and said "You can have three more words at no extra cost".
The scouser thanks the guy, thinks for a minute and says "Can you write 'Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale'."
mycarsavw (30-09-2008)
Why do nuns have flat hair?
Force of habit.
(yes, it's from today's The London Paper, but it's a great joke...)
The Dead Cow and Vet School.
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'
'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
Last edited by Stringent; 30-09-2008 at 11:52 AM.
DevilMayCry42 (30-09-2008),JK Ferret (30-09-2008),shadowmaster (29-09-2008),Workaholic (30-09-2008)
POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch of pasta and vino.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You re-count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Russian Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
[
chuckskull (30-09-2008),GoNz0 (30-09-2008),sleepyhead (30-09-2008),Workaholic (01-10-2008)
Classic and brilliant 0iD.
Brilliant.. but isn't that a repost?
I'd be willing to lay bets that at least 50 jokes in this thread are reposts
Prolly, thread this long, bound to happen
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