Britain's Got Talent: "Doctor, doctor can you get this steering wheel out of my trousers, it's driving me nuts". Well, I liked it.
Britain's Got Talent: "Doctor, doctor can you get this steering wheel out of my trousers, it's driving me nuts". Well, I liked it.
Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge,what came over you? three cars a lorry and a van.
another terrible old joke
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten pence?
Nurse: No change yet.
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
A bloke walks into a bar with a twelve foot alligator on a leash, it's jaws secured by a muzzle.
The bloke leaps onto the table and yells "Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness a miracle of animal training! I have devoted my life to training this alligator to overcome the basic instinct to kill... and he is now no more harmless than a canary"
"Who, for the small price of just five pounds, would like to put their arm into this tame beast's mouth?"
The general response from the astonished pub regulars came back, "Not bloody likely!", "You've got be sodding joking mate!" and so on.
The animal trainer is unfazed. "How about I prove to you that this animal is tame?"
Upon which the animal trainer whips off the alligator's muzzle and walks around to stand in front of it's mouth.
"Open!", shouts the trainer and the alligator's mouth slowly opens.
To the crowds amazement, the trainer then undoes his trouser, pulls out his meat and two veg and places them inside the alligator's jaws.... The crowd gasps at the risk the trainer is taking.
"Ladies and gentlemen, do not be alarmed, I am perfectly safe... Now watch this." at which point the trainer yells "Close!" and the alligator's jaw slowly closes until the trainer's frank and beans are gently held by the reptile's sharp teeth.
Once again, the trainer addresses the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am in no pain. This ferocious alligator is just barely holding my sensitive bits... But now comes the part that has been hardest to train... making him release when there is food in his mouth!"
At that point, the trainer leans over and picks up a beer bottle from the table next to him... and proceeds to batter the alligator mercilessly over the head until after a minute of beating it slowly opens it's jaws and releases the trainer.
Triumphant, the trainer turns to the crowd, "Now, who else wants to try it?"
One guy nervously puts his hand up.... "I'll give it a go... but you don't have to hit me with the bottle, just ask me to let go..."
Behemoth (06-05-2008)
1. A day without sunshine is like ..... Night.
2. On the other hand .... You have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares about you, just try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19 What happens if you get scared half to death ........ Twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering.......... 'What the hell happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapo's ...... What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
DevilMayCry42 (06-05-2008),shadowmaster (06-05-2008)
Children's books you will never see.
01. You are different and that's bad.
02. Pop goes the hamster....and other great microwave games.
03. Testing homemade parachutes using only your household pets.
04. Curious George and the high-voltage fence.
05. Controlling the playground: Respect through fear.
06. You were an accident.
07. Strangers have the best sweets.
08. The Little Sissy who snitched.
09. The kids' guide to hitchhiking.
10. Why can't Mr Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet be friends?
11. Dad's New Wife Timothy
12. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
13. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
14. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
15. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
16. Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
17. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
18. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
19. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
20. Bi-Curious George
Apple inc announced today it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in womens breasts, they call it "ibreast" it is considered a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining that men are staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
TAKTAK (06-05-2008),Workaholic (06-05-2008)
meh.. best ones were the kids books though...
"pop goes the hamster.. and other fun microwave games" would be a good one to get... I could see my sadistic cousins loving it!
I guess we're expected to do quite wellOriginally Posted by Fortune117
A little boy wanted £100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the £100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, UK, they decided to send it to Downing Street.
Gordon Brown was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a £5.00 note. The PM thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the £5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through via Labour Party, and those jerks deducted £95.00 in donations.
A kindergarten class was given a homework
assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
'It's a period,' said the little boy.
'Well, I can see that,' she said, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Damned if I know,' said the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'
finlay666 (06-05-2008)
Say the following fast, in an Irish accent...
Whale Oil Beef Hooked
I bet you can't...
(From Jack Dee Live At The Apollo...)
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