Page 27 of 78 FirstFirst ... 717242526272829303747576777 ... LastLast
Results 417 to 432 of 1247

Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #417
    ho! ho! ho! mofo santa claus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    2,898
    Thanks
    386
    Thanked
    446 times in 304 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Britain's Got Talent: "Doctor, doctor can you get this steering wheel out of my trousers, it's driving me nuts". Well, I liked it.

  2. #418
    Senior Member kasavien's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    St. Albans
    Posts
    1,829
    Thanks
    145
    Thanked
    104 times in 49 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by santa claus View Post
    Britain's Got Talent: "Doctor, doctor can you get this steering wheel out of my trousers, it's driving me nuts". Well, I liked it.
    lol old'un but golden

  3. #419
    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Lytham St. Annes
    Posts
    17,293
    Thanks
    649
    Thanked
    1,580 times in 1,006 posts
    • MadduckUK's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus A88XM-PLUS
      • CPU:
      • AMD 860K @4.45
      • Memory:
      • 16GB (4x4GB) PC3-12800
      • Storage:
      • 1x240GB Sandisk Extreme / 3x500GB RAID0 / 3GB Backup
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Radeon 7870XT
      • PSU:
      • Corsair TX750w
      • Case:
      • Cooler Master Galdiator 600
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 x64
      • Monitor(s):
      • DELL S2409W
      • Internet:
      • 3 One Plan

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by santa claus View Post
    Britain's Got Talent: "Doctor, doctor can you get this steering wheel out of my trousers, it's driving me nuts". Well, I liked it.
    Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I’ll deal with you later!

    Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Pull yourself together!

    old.. bad jokes
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

  4. #420
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    1,482
    Thanks
    18
    Thanked
    72 times in 59 posts
    • lodore's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Z87-GD65 GAMING
      • CPU:
      • Intel 4770k Haswell I7
      • Memory:
      • 16gb DDR3 1600mhz
      • Storage:
      • 2tb hard drive and 2X 120gb ssd
      • Graphics card(s):
      • 2X MSI nvidia 770 in SLI
      • PSU:
      • XFX 700 watt fully modular
      • Case:
      • CoolerMaster HafXM
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 pro 64bit
      • Monitor(s):
      • two 24inch hd monitors. one Asus and one Dell
      • Internet:
      • 50mb BT broadband

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge,what came over you? three cars a lorry and a van.
    another terrible old joke

  5. #421
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,233
    Thanks
    397
    Thanked
    310 times in 208 posts
    • shadowmaster's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte GA-890FXA-UD5
      • CPU:
      • AMD Phenom II X4 965 @ 3.6Ghz
      • Memory:
      • 4GB Corsair XMS3
      • Storage:
      • Kingston SSD V series 64GB + Samsung F3 1TB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • XFX 5870 1GB in Crossfire
      • PSU:
      • BeQuiet 1200W Dark Power Pro
      • Case:
      • Coolermaster Stacker 832 SE
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
      • Monitor(s):
      • 3 x BenQ G2222HDL 21.5inch 1080p
      • Internet:
      • BT Infinity 2

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!

    Doctor: Stay out of them places!

    Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten pence?

    Nurse: No change yet.

    Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

    Doctor: A shoebox.

    Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?

    Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

    Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

    Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

  6. #422
    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Lytham St. Annes
    Posts
    17,293
    Thanks
    649
    Thanked
    1,580 times in 1,006 posts
    • MadduckUK's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus A88XM-PLUS
      • CPU:
      • AMD 860K @4.45
      • Memory:
      • 16GB (4x4GB) PC3-12800
      • Storage:
      • 1x240GB Sandisk Extreme / 3x500GB RAID0 / 3GB Backup
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Radeon 7870XT
      • PSU:
      • Corsair TX750w
      • Case:
      • Cooler Master Galdiator 600
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 x64
      • Monitor(s):
      • DELL S2409W
      • Internet:
      • 3 One Plan

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by lodore View Post
    Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge,what came over you? three cars a lorry and a van.
    another terrible old joke
    i was going to say the last client... but nevermind
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

  7. #423
    No more Mr Nice Guy. Nick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    10,021
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    316 times in 141 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A bloke walks into a bar with a twelve foot alligator on a leash, it's jaws secured by a muzzle.

    The bloke leaps onto the table and yells "Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness a miracle of animal training! I have devoted my life to training this alligator to overcome the basic instinct to kill... and he is now no more harmless than a canary"

    "Who, for the small price of just five pounds, would like to put their arm into this tame beast's mouth?"

    The general response from the astonished pub regulars came back, "Not bloody likely!", "You've got be sodding joking mate!" and so on.

    The animal trainer is unfazed. "How about I prove to you that this animal is tame?"

    Upon which the animal trainer whips off the alligator's muzzle and walks around to stand in front of it's mouth.

    "Open!", shouts the trainer and the alligator's mouth slowly opens.

    To the crowds amazement, the trainer then undoes his trouser, pulls out his meat and two veg and places them inside the alligator's jaws.... The crowd gasps at the risk the trainer is taking.

    "Ladies and gentlemen, do not be alarmed, I am perfectly safe... Now watch this." at which point the trainer yells "Close!" and the alligator's jaw slowly closes until the trainer's frank and beans are gently held by the reptile's sharp teeth.

    Once again, the trainer addresses the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am in no pain. This ferocious alligator is just barely holding my sensitive bits... But now comes the part that has been hardest to train... making him release when there is food in his mouth!"

    At that point, the trainer leans over and picks up a beer bottle from the table next to him... and proceeds to batter the alligator mercilessly over the head until after a minute of beating it slowly opens it's jaws and releases the trainer.

    Triumphant, the trainer turns to the crowd, "Now, who else wants to try it?"

    One guy nervously puts his hand up.... "I'll give it a go... but you don't have to hit me with the bottle, just ask me to let go..."
    Quote Originally Posted by Dareos View Post
    "OH OOOOHH oOOHHHHHHHOOHHHHHHH FILL ME WITH YOUR.... eeww not the stuff from the lab"

  8. Received thanks from:

    Behemoth (06-05-2008)

  9. #424
    0iD
    0iD is offline
    M*I*A 0iD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Happy Llama Land
    Posts
    13,247
    Thanks
    1,435
    Thanked
    1,209 times in 757 posts
    • 0iD's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Leave my mother out of it!
      • CPU:
      • If I knew what it meant?
      • Memory:
      • Wah?
      • Storage:
      • Cupboards and drawers
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Slate & chalk
      • PSU:
      • meh
      • Case:
      • Suit or Brief?
      • Operating System:
      • Brain
      • Monitor(s):
      • I was 1 at skool
      • Internet:
      • 28k Dialup

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    1. A day without sunshine is like ..... Night.

    2. On the other hand .... You have different fingers.

    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    12. If you think nobody cares about you, just try missing a couple of payments.

    13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    15. When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    19 What happens if you get scared half to death ........ Twice?

    20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering.......... 'What the hell happened?'

    22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

    23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapo's ...... What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  10. Received thanks from:

    DevilMayCry42 (06-05-2008),shadowmaster (06-05-2008)

  11. #425
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    4,274
    Thanks
    166
    Thanked
    386 times in 233 posts
    • Whiternoise's system
      • Motherboard:
      • DFI LANPARTY JR P45-T2RS
      • CPU:
      • Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 8GB DDR2
      • Storage:
      • 5.6TB Total
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD4780
      • PSU:
      • 425W Modu82+ Enermax
      • Case:
      • Silverstone TJ08b
      • Operating System:
      • Win7 64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 23" IPS
      • Internet:
      • 1Gbps Fibre Line

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Children's books you will never see.

    01. You are different and that's bad.
    02. Pop goes the hamster....and other great microwave games.
    03. Testing homemade parachutes using only your household pets.
    04. Curious George and the high-voltage fence.
    05. Controlling the playground: Respect through fear.
    06. You were an accident.
    07. Strangers have the best sweets.
    08. The Little Sissy who snitched.
    09. The kids' guide to hitchhiking.
    10. Why can't Mr Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet be friends?
    11. Dad's New Wife Timothy
    12. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
    13. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
    14. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
    15. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
    16. Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
    17. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
    18. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
    19. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
    20. Bi-Curious George

  12. #426
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    W.Mids
    Posts
    433
    Thanks
    20
    Thanked
    27 times in 24 posts
    • rover214's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus P8P67M
      • CPU:
      • I5 2400
      • Memory:
      • 8gb Mushkin Copperhead
      • Storage:
      • 120gb Intel 330 ssd, 1tb Samsung F3, 500gb WD Caviar Green
      • Graphics card(s):
      • EVGA gtx 660 sc 2gb
      • PSU:
      • Coolermaster Silent Pro Gold 600w
      • Case:
      • Fractal Arc Mini
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Philips 22" full HD led
      • Internet:
      • VM 60mb

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Apple inc announced today it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in womens breasts, they call it "ibreast" it is considered a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining that men are staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

  13. Received thanks from:

    TAKTAK (06-05-2008),Workaholic (06-05-2008)

  14. #427
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    173
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    1 time in 1 post

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by rover214 View Post
    Apple inc announced today it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in womens breasts, they call it "ibreast" it is considered a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining that men are staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
    Good one. I didn't see it coming!

  15. #428
    Salazaar Clone! mediaboy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    1,538
    Thanks
    275
    Thanked
    31 times in 29 posts
    • mediaboy's system
      • CPU:
      • Phenom x3 8500
      • Memory:
      • 2GB
      • Storage:
      • 1320GB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD3650 512MB
      • Operating System:
      • Windows Vista Premium x32
      • Internet:
      • T-Mobile Mobile Broadband

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    meh.. best ones were the kids books though...

    "pop goes the hamster.. and other fun microwave games" would be a good one to get... I could see my sadistic cousins loving it!
    Quote Originally Posted by Fortune117
    Kids are getting smarter, eventually no amount of parental controls will be able to stop them
    I guess we're expected to do quite well

  16. #429
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    4,274
    Thanks
    166
    Thanked
    386 times in 233 posts
    • Whiternoise's system
      • Motherboard:
      • DFI LANPARTY JR P45-T2RS
      • CPU:
      • Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 8GB DDR2
      • Storage:
      • 5.6TB Total
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD4780
      • PSU:
      • 425W Modu82+ Enermax
      • Case:
      • Silverstone TJ08b
      • Operating System:
      • Win7 64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 23" IPS
      • Internet:
      • 1Gbps Fibre Line

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A little boy wanted £100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
    Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the £100.00.
    When the postal authorities received the letter to God, UK, they decided to send it to Downing Street.
    Gordon Brown was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a £5.00 note. The PM thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
    The little boy was delighted with the £5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
    Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through via Labour Party, and those jerks deducted £95.00 in donations.

  17. #430
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    4,274
    Thanks
    166
    Thanked
    386 times in 233 posts
    • Whiternoise's system
      • Motherboard:
      • DFI LANPARTY JR P45-T2RS
      • CPU:
      • Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 8GB DDR2
      • Storage:
      • 5.6TB Total
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD4780
      • PSU:
      • 425W Modu82+ Enermax
      • Case:
      • Silverstone TJ08b
      • Operating System:
      • Win7 64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 23" IPS
      • Internet:
      • 1Gbps Fibre Line

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A kindergarten class was given a homework
    assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

    Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

    'It's a period,' said the little boy.

    'Well, I can see that,' she said, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'

    'Damned if I know,' said the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'

  18. Received thanks from:

    finlay666 (06-05-2008)

  19. #431
    Tech-ignorant Factoid
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    2,904
    Thanks
    417
    Thanked
    114 times in 80 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Say the following fast, in an Irish accent...

    Whale Oil Beef Hooked

    I bet you can't...


    (From Jack Dee Live At The Apollo...)

  20. Received thanks from:

    kasavien (06-05-2008),TAKTAK (06-05-2008)

  21. #432
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    London
    Posts
    2,456
    Thanks
    100
    Thanked
    75 times in 51 posts
    • Mblaster's system
      • Motherboard:
      • ASUS PK5 Premium
      • CPU:
      • Intel i5 2500K
      • Memory:
      • 8gb DDR3
      • Storage:
      • Intel X25 SSD + WD 2TB HDD
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Nvidia GeForce GTX 570
      • PSU:
      • Corsair HX520
      • Case:
      • Antec P180
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 Professional x64
      • Monitor(s):
      • HP w2207 (22" wide)
      • Internet:
      • Rubbish ADSL

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by JK Ferret View Post
    Say the following fast, in an Irish accent...

    Whale Oil Beef Hooked

    I bet you can't...


    (From Jack Dee Live At The Apollo...)
    Haha, now I've gotta try and find a way to fit that into a conversation!

Page 27 of 78 FirstFirst ... 717242526272829303747576777 ... LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •