The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[JK Ferret]

Yeah but they aren't executed when they leave

Are you interested in a new job by any chance?

I hear assassin's are well paid...

[mediaboy]

I hear assassin's are well paid...

It's a little sad really.. the assassin's get paid more than the people paid to catch them. I mean - even the men who do my garbage collecting can earn more than a policeman in a career span!

You could imagine some policemen having little side jobs... like assassin... and then having to investigate themselves to find out if they're guilty or not? Wasn't there some bloke that this happened too?

[Dooms]

What has 2 legs and bleeds alot?


Half a dog (and you thought I was going to be sick )

[Dooms]

Oldie but havent seen it posted on here: Doing it from memory.

A bus full of ugly people were on their way to an ugly convention when there was a serious accident and everyone died. When they all got to the pearly gates St. Peter turns to them and says "Becuase you lot have had such a hard life being ugly I'm going to grant you all one wish here in Heaven".

Well the first ugly person comes forward and saying "I want to be beautiful" and wosh he becomes stunningly beautiful and everyone claps and cheers as he walks through the gates.

Well the next one comes up and says the same thing. One by one they all wish for the same thing and move through the gates.

About half way through the que St. Peter can hear some giggling coming from somewhere at the back but ignores it and continues making everyone beautiful. As he's getting near the end this laughter is getting louder and louder.

He gets to the last guy in the que who by this point is roaring with laughter! "Ok! What do you want and whats so ****ing funny?"

The guy replys with his wish "Make them all ugly again!"

[chuckskull]

I worry about my mother...

3 ducks walk into a bar, Barman says Hi, to the first duck and asks his name.

1st duck replies "I'm Tom". Barman says "Hi Tom, how are you?"

Tom replies "Fantastic spent all day in and out of puddles, what more could a duck want?"

Once they've finished chatting, he asks the second duck his name.

2nd Duck replies "I'm Dick". Barman says "Nice to meet you Dick, how are you?"

"I've been in and out of puddles all day with my best friend Tom, what more could a duck want?"

Finally the barman approaches the last duck and says "Ahhh, you must be Harry."

The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles and I really need a beer"

[M0nkeyb0Y]

Which key can unlock any lock, open any door and access any area?

A pikey.

[dave87]

Fantastic, nice one M0nkeyb0Y

[hitman67]

A Video Joke today...

YouTube - Jesus the Musical

[Whiternoise]

Aww i thought you were posting this one: YouTube - Penguin Slap

[sleepyhead]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them'.

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a clueless eejit'. Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

Denise,' says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved. 'Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise. '


Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew'

[shadowmaster]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, '

A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

[dave87]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[dave87]

Top 12 Broadcasting Double Entendres:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Nick]

Got another classic to add to that lot: "The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey" - BBC commentator Brian Johnston.

[schmunk]

Got another classic to add to that lot: "The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey" - BBC commentator Brian Johnston.

Not to be pedantic, but it was actually "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey".

Unfortunately, the current understanding is that he didn't ever actually say that on air...

[dave87]

An oldie, but a goody