Page 30 of 78 FirstFirst ... 10202728293031323340506070 ... LastLast
Results 465 to 480 of 1247

Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #465
    Tech-ignorant Factoid
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    2,904
    Thanks
    417
    Thanked
    114 times in 80 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by kasavien View Post
    Yeah but they aren't executed when they leave
    Are you interested in a new job by any chance?

    I hear assassin's are well paid...

  2. #466
    Salazaar Clone! mediaboy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    1,538
    Thanks
    275
    Thanked
    31 times in 29 posts
    • mediaboy's system
      • CPU:
      • Phenom x3 8500
      • Memory:
      • 2GB
      • Storage:
      • 1320GB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD3650 512MB
      • Operating System:
      • Windows Vista Premium x32
      • Internet:
      • T-Mobile Mobile Broadband

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by JK Ferret
    I hear assassin's are well paid...
    It's a little sad really.. the assassin's get paid more than the people paid to catch them. I mean - even the men who do my garbage collecting can earn more than a policeman in a career span!

    You could imagine some policemen having little side jobs... like assassin... and then having to investigate themselves to find out if they're guilty or not? Wasn't there some bloke that this happened too?
    Quote Originally Posted by Fortune117
    Kids are getting smarter, eventually no amount of parental controls will be able to stop them
    I guess we're expected to do quite well

  3. #467
    Bah Humbug. Dooms's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Stockholm
    Posts
    3,325
    Thanks
    94
    Thanked
    183 times in 141 posts
    • Dooms's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte X570 I AORUS PRO WIFI
      • CPU:
      • 3700X
      • Memory:
      • G.SKILL TridentZ Series 32GB (2 x 16GB)
      • Storage:
      • Samsung 970 1TB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • EVGA 2080 Super
      • PSU:
      • 750W Corsair Pro
      • Case:
      • Ncase M1 6.1
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 11 Pro
      • Monitor(s):
      • LG 34UC88 34-Inch 21:9
      • Internet:
      • 1GB Telenor

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    What has 2 legs and bleeds alot?


    Half a dog (and you thought I was going to be sick )

  4. #468
    Bah Humbug. Dooms's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Stockholm
    Posts
    3,325
    Thanks
    94
    Thanked
    183 times in 141 posts
    • Dooms's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte X570 I AORUS PRO WIFI
      • CPU:
      • 3700X
      • Memory:
      • G.SKILL TridentZ Series 32GB (2 x 16GB)
      • Storage:
      • Samsung 970 1TB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • EVGA 2080 Super
      • PSU:
      • 750W Corsair Pro
      • Case:
      • Ncase M1 6.1
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 11 Pro
      • Monitor(s):
      • LG 34UC88 34-Inch 21:9
      • Internet:
      • 1GB Telenor

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Oldie but havent seen it posted on here: Doing it from memory.

    A bus full of ugly people were on their way to an ugly convention when there was a serious accident and everyone died. When they all got to the pearly gates St. Peter turns to them and says "Becuase you lot have had such a hard life being ugly I'm going to grant you all one wish here in Heaven".

    Well the first ugly person comes forward and saying "I want to be beautiful" and wosh he becomes stunningly beautiful and everyone claps and cheers as he walks through the gates.

    Well the next one comes up and says the same thing. One by one they all wish for the same thing and move through the gates.

    About half way through the que St. Peter can hear some giggling coming from somewhere at the back but ignores it and continues making everyone beautiful. As he's getting near the end this laughter is getting louder and louder.

    He gets to the last guy in the que who by this point is roaring with laughter! "Ok! What do you want and whats so ****ing funny?"

    The guy replys with his wish "Make them all ugly again!"

  5. #469
    Moderator chuckskull's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    The Frozen North
    Posts
    7,713
    Thanks
    951
    Thanked
    690 times in 463 posts
    • chuckskull's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte Z77-D3H
      • CPU:
      • 3570k @ 4.7 - H100i
      • Memory:
      • 32GB XMS3 1600mhz
      • Storage:
      • 256GB Samsung 850 Pro + 3TB Seagate
      • Graphics card(s):
      • EVGA GTX 980Ti Classified
      • PSU:
      • Seasonic M12 700W
      • Case:
      • Corsair 500R
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 Pro
      • Monitor(s):
      • Asus VG278HE
      • Internet:
      • FTTC

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    I worry about my mother...

    3 ducks walk into a bar, Barman says Hi, to the first duck and asks his name.

    1st duck replies "I'm Tom". Barman says "Hi Tom, how are you?"

    Tom replies "Fantastic spent all day in and out of puddles, what more could a duck want?"

    Once they've finished chatting, he asks the second duck his name.

    2nd Duck replies "I'm Dick". Barman says "Nice to meet you Dick, how are you?"

    "I've been in and out of puddles all day with my best friend Tom, what more could a duck want?"

    Finally the barman approaches the last duck and says "Ahhh, you must be Harry."

    The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles and I really need a beer"

  6. Received thanks from:

    stevie lee (20-05-2008)

  7. #470
    disMember M0nkeyb0Y's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Kent
    Posts
    1,046
    Thanks
    274
    Thanked
    61 times in 33 posts
    • M0nkeyb0Y's system
      • Motherboard:
      • DFI DK X58 T3 eH6
      • CPU:
      • Intel Core i7 930
      • Memory:
      • Corsair 6GB (3x2GB) DDR3 1600
      • Storage:
      • Boot: Intel SSD (80gb); + >3Tb
      • Graphics card(s):
      • ati 5870
      • PSU:
      • Corsair 750w modular
      • Case:
      • see thread in my sig
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 Professional
      • Monitor(s):
      • NEC EA 231wmi
      • Internet:
      • 16MB/s

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Which key can unlock any lock, open any door and access any area?

    A pikey.

  8. Received thanks from:

    Blitzen (20-05-2008)

  9. #471
    radix lecti dave87's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    England
    Posts
    12,806
    Thanks
    657
    Thanked
    931 times in 634 posts
    • dave87's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus
      • CPU:
      • i5 3470k under Corsair H80 WC
      • Memory:
      • 8gb DDR3
      • Storage:
      • 240gb SSD + 120gb SSD
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Asus HD7950
      • PSU:
      • XFX 600w Modular
      • Case:
      • Lian Li PC-A05FNB + Acoustipack
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 Pro
      • Monitor(s):
      • 2x Dell S2309W (1920x1080)
      • Internet:
      • BT Infinity Option 2

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Fantastic, nice one M0nkeyb0Y

  10. #472
    Super Tanker Driver hitman67's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Nr Kendal, LA6
    Posts
    1,328
    Thanks
    36
    Thanked
    23 times in 13 posts
    • hitman67's system
      • Motherboard:
      • AsRock Something
      • CPU:
      • AMD 64 x2 4200+
      • Memory:
      • 1GB DDR Dual Channel
      • Storage:
      • 200gb Samsung Spinpoint
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Nividia Go 6100
      • PSU:
      • ColorsIT 400w
      • Case:
      • ColorsIT Cool Case
      • Monitor(s):
      • Compaq 15" TFT
      • Internet:
      • 1mb Broadband

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A Video Joke today...

    YouTube - Jesus the Musical
    Last edited by hitman67; 20-05-2008 at 06:51 PM.
    [: O |=====|O :] Beyond Fashion Since 1948

    Quote Originally Posted by XTR
    Ford Focus - I’m a boy-racer disguised as a sensible office worker at the weekends I'm a curry monster!!
    Correct apart from the working part

  11. #473
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    4,274
    Thanks
    166
    Thanked
    386 times in 233 posts
    • Whiternoise's system
      • Motherboard:
      • DFI LANPARTY JR P45-T2RS
      • CPU:
      • Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 8GB DDR2
      • Storage:
      • 5.6TB Total
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD4780
      • PSU:
      • 425W Modu82+ Enermax
      • Case:
      • Silverstone TJ08b
      • Operating System:
      • Win7 64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 23" IPS
      • Internet:
      • 1Gbps Fibre Line

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Aww i thought you were posting this one: YouTube - Penguin Slap


  12. #474
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    2,514
    Thanks
    373
    Thanked
    292 times in 162 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

    After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

    Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them'.

    The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a clueless eejit'. Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

    Denise,' says the doctor.

    The new mother is somewhat relieved. 'Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise. '


    Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

    'Denephew'

  13. Received thanks from:

    DevilMayCry42 (21-05-2008)

  14. #475
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,233
    Thanks
    397
    Thanked
    310 times in 208 posts
    • shadowmaster's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte GA-890FXA-UD5
      • CPU:
      • AMD Phenom II X4 965 @ 3.6Ghz
      • Memory:
      • 4GB Corsair XMS3
      • Storage:
      • Kingston SSD V series 64GB + Samsung F3 1TB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • XFX 5870 1GB in Crossfire
      • PSU:
      • BeQuiet 1200W Dark Power Pro
      • Case:
      • Coolermaster Stacker 832 SE
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
      • Monitor(s):
      • 3 x BenQ G2222HDL 21.5inch 1080p
      • Internet:
      • BT Infinity 2

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

    'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

    'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

    'No.' said the Director, '

    A normal person would pull the plug.

    Do you want a bed near the window?'

  15. Received thanks from:

    chuckskull (25-05-2008),cotswoldcs (26-05-2008),JK Ferret (25-05-2008),mediaboy (26-05-2008),RoBe (25-05-2008)

  16. #476
    radix lecti dave87's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    England
    Posts
    12,806
    Thanks
    657
    Thanked
    931 times in 634 posts
    • dave87's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus
      • CPU:
      • i5 3470k under Corsair H80 WC
      • Memory:
      • 8gb DDR3
      • Storage:
      • 240gb SSD + 120gb SSD
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Asus HD7950
      • PSU:
      • XFX 600w Modular
      • Case:
      • Lian Li PC-A05FNB + Acoustipack
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 Pro
      • Monitor(s):
      • 2x Dell S2309W (1920x1080)
      • Internet:
      • BT Infinity Option 2

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
    After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

    The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
    The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
    The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
    The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
    One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
    The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
    The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

    The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

  17. Received thanks from:

    Blitzen (25-05-2008),chuckskull (25-05-2008),mediaboy (26-05-2008),TAKTAK (25-05-2008)

  18. #477
    radix lecti dave87's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    England
    Posts
    12,806
    Thanks
    657
    Thanked
    931 times in 634 posts
    • dave87's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus
      • CPU:
      • i5 3470k under Corsair H80 WC
      • Memory:
      • 8gb DDR3
      • Storage:
      • 240gb SSD + 120gb SSD
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Asus HD7950
      • PSU:
      • XFX 600w Modular
      • Case:
      • Lian Li PC-A05FNB + Acoustipack
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 Pro
      • Monitor(s):
      • 2x Dell S2309W (1920x1080)
      • Internet:
      • BT Infinity Option 2

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Top 12 Broadcasting Double Entendres:

    1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

    2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

    3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

    4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

    5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

    6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

    7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

    8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

    9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


    10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

    11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

    12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

  19. Received thanks from:

    kasavien (30-05-2008)

  20. #478
    No more Mr Nice Guy. Nick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    10,021
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    316 times in 141 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Got another classic to add to that lot: "The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey" - BBC commentator Brian Johnston.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dareos View Post
    "OH OOOOHH oOOHHHHHHHOOHHHHHHH FILL ME WITH YOUR.... eeww not the stuff from the lab"

  21. #479
    sneaks quietly away. schmunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Wiki Wiki Wild West side... of Sussex
    Posts
    4,424
    Thanks
    40
    Thanked
    163 times in 121 posts
    • schmunk's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Abit NF7-S v2.0
      • CPU:
      • AMD Athlon-M 2500+
      • Memory:
      • 1GB of Corsair BH-5 and 512MB of something else
      • Storage:
      • 160GB Seagate Barracuda
      • Graphics card(s):
      • ATI Radeon X800Pro, flashed to XT
      • PSU:
      • Hiper Type-M ~400W
      • Case:
      • Antec cheapy
      • Monitor(s):
      • AG Neovo F19 LCD
      • Internet:
      • Virgin Media 4MB/s

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Nick View Post
    Got another classic to add to that lot: "The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey" - BBC commentator Brian Johnston.
    Not to be pedantic, but it was actually "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey".

    Unfortunately, the current understanding is that he didn't ever actually say that on air...

  22. #480
    radix lecti dave87's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    England
    Posts
    12,806
    Thanks
    657
    Thanked
    931 times in 634 posts
    • dave87's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus
      • CPU:
      • i5 3470k under Corsair H80 WC
      • Memory:
      • 8gb DDR3
      • Storage:
      • 240gb SSD + 120gb SSD
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Asus HD7950
      • PSU:
      • XFX 600w Modular
      • Case:
      • Lian Li PC-A05FNB + Acoustipack
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 Pro
      • Monitor(s):
      • 2x Dell S2309W (1920x1080)
      • Internet:
      • BT Infinity Option 2

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread



    An oldie, but a goody

Page 30 of 78 FirstFirst ... 10202728293031323340506070 ... LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •