The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[Whiternoise]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "F off! You won't bring it back."

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Imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations I found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces was a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy

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A guy was sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman idle up to next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's gorgeous. She must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" The girl gave him a blank, almost confused stare, and he immediately thought to himself: "Dash it, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her and said, "Something special in the air?" She returned the same blank look and he mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.Next he tried Thai Airways: "Smooth as Silk?"Only this time the girl turned on him and said: "What the F do you want, mister?" The man smiled, then slumped back contentedly in his chair and sighed: "Ahhhhh....EasyJet."

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Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

[Whiternoise]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

[TheAnimus]

its been a while so:

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

Because he needed a poo.

[kasavien]

Two prostitutes are talking on a street corner, one says to the other "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" she replies "no but i've been swung round by the tits"

shamelessly stolen from the live at the Apollo series on BBC1

[Blitzen]

Two prostitutes are talking on a street corner, one says to the other "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" she replies "no but i've been swung round by the tits"

shamelessly stolen from the live at the Apollo series on BBC1

The old ones are the best!

[[GSV]Trig]

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (abuelo) in a nursing home.

All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home.

After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa.'How do you like it
here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you.We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'
Abuelo says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old, he hasn't played the violin in 20 years
and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him
'Doctor'!

And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F*****g Mexican'.

[JK Ferret]

Today, make the little things count.
Teach arithmetic to some dwarves
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What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Assossiation
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If you really want to get stoned...drink wet cement

[JK Ferret]

A man spends all night drinking at a pub.
When it's time to go, he stands up...and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl outside, in the hopes that the fresh air will sober him up some.
Once outside, he tries to stand up, and once again falls over, so he has to crawl the half-mile home.
Once there, he manages to prop himself up against the door while he unlocked it, only to fall on his face again when it opened, after which he crawls upstairs.
When he reaches his bed, he makes one last effort, but collapses, and goes to sleep...

The next morning he is woken by his wife's shouting.
'You've been out on the booze again, haven't you?!' she yells
'What makes you say-' he begins
'Don't even try lying!' she screams, 'The pub rang, you left your wheelchair behind again!'

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A teacher is playing a guessing game with her class.
'What have I got behind my back?' she asks. 'I'll give you a clue - it's round, red and juicy.'
'A tomato' answers little Jenny.
'No,' says teacher, 't's an apple, but I like the way you're thinking. OK, what have I got this time? The clue is: it's small, green and hairy.'
'A gooseberry?' tries little Simon.
'No, it's a kiwi fruit, but I like the way you're thinking.'
Little Johhny sticks his hand in the air and says 'Miss, guess what I'm holding in my pocket.'
'Give me a clue,' says the teacher.
'Well, it's round, hard, and has a head on it,' goes Johnny.
'That's disgusting!' exclaims the teacher.
'Actually, no,' replies Johnny, 'it's a coin - but I like the way you're thinking!'

[Whiternoise]

What does a ginger miss most about parties?

The invitation.

[0iD]

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A. The position of the dirt bag.



Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.



Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

A. 100 people who don't do dick.



Q. What do you call a smart blonde?

A. A golden retriever.



Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.



Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

A. 20 kgs.



Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

A. 45 minutes.



Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?

A. They can't stand criticism.



Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends.



Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?

A. The blonde, because she's 18.



Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A. 'Are you sure it's mine?'



Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

A. Pepper spray will do that to you .



Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A. Breasts don't have eyes.



Q. Why is there no Disneyland in China?

A. No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[0iD]

Q. W hat do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80- year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

[0iD]

HEALTH WARNING!
Do Not Swallow Your Chewing Gum!

[Behemoth]

A married couple were tsking a drive through the Cornish countryside. Enjoying the sites and seeing all the animals, the husband spoke winking at the wife

"Seeing those pigs earlier reminmded me of some of your family"

Enraged by this remark the wife responded "Yes, inlaws"

A young wife was complaing that she didn't have enough gadgets to make nice meal in the kitchen for him. The husband went out that day and bought her everything. A top of the range food mixer, micorwave, range style cooker, a large fridge freezer, just about everything you can think of.

A few weeks later she started moaning she had no room to store all her kitchen gadgets in, so the husband bought her an electric chair.

What is old, yellow, ugly and lives alone ? Yoko Ono.

[0iD]

A 45 year old woman, Edna, had a heart attack and was taken to the
Hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
Teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but, while
Crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance
And killed.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had
Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?'

God replied: 'F*** me Edna, I didn't recognise you!!!!!

[0iD]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you - you have no legs!' The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' 'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[0iD]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--



Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.