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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #401
    HEXUS.timelord. Zak33's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    h0TtIgEr THAT WAS BLOODY RUDE, NOT FUNNY AND IS GETTING REMOVED RIGHT NOW.

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

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  3. #402
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award,
    He was outstanding in his field.

    ------------

    A young lad is watching a nature documentary with his family, and there is a Panda on the screen.
    " Daddy, why does the panda have one eye thats black? " asks the lad.
    " Well, " replies his dad, "Its because of natural camouflage- so he can hide in the jungle. "
    The lad thinks for a while, then asks- "Well, is that why mummy has one eye thats black too?
    " No, " replies the father - " Thats because she burnt the dinner. "

  4. #403
    ɯʎɔɐɹsɐʌʍ mycarsavw's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Zak33 View Post
    h0TtIgEr THAT WAS BLOODY RUDE, NOT FUNNY AND IS GETTING REMOVED RIGHT NOW.
    Psst, and the quote in Blitzen's post

    er...

    joke..uhm.



    A visual one. New Office of Government Commerce logo, can you spot the error

    /repost
    |Kata: "Read title as 'fisting'. Not sure why I clicked. Relieved, really."|
    |TAKTAK: "It was so small that mine wouldn't fit into it"|

  5. #404
    Senior Member Andy3536's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by mycarsavw View Post
    Psst, and the quote in Blitzen's post

    er...

    joke..uhm.



    A visual one. New Office of Government Commerce logo, can you spot the error

    /repost

    This was pionted out on the TV, can't belive it wasn't spotted.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Zakky my man, your edit is fantastic

    Seriously though peeps, stick to chauvinist and sexist jokes, the sheer quantity of abused males on this forum provides excellent herd immunity

  7. #406
    Lover & Fighter Blitzen's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by mycarsavw View Post
    Psst, and the quote in Blitzen's post

    er...

    joke..uhm.



    A visual one. New Office of Government Commerce logo, can you spot the error

    /repost

    Its gone.


    BTW...Hottiger has started sendng me pictures of disabled children through PM.

    Is he ill, weird or just in need of a seriously good kick in.

    Apparently he is 'GLAD' i have a daughter with Downs Syndrome .......... This is just so sick
    Last edited by Blitzen; 01-05-2008 at 09:27 PM.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Learn to read, that's not what I said. Find it weak you need to bring your child into this.

  9. #408
    Buzz Lightyear Azza's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Frank Lampard didnt let Didier Drogba go to his mother's funeral because he thought he would dive in the box.
    www | F | T | @

  10. #409
    SiM
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    hOtTiGeR, even though you have a sexy sig, you can't go around offending people like this. The joke was offensive and clearly the PMs to Blitzen was. You will be banned if you keep heading down this road. This is not a fascist place, we don't mind people making mistakes and posting things they shouldn't once in a while, but if someone does it intentionally and repeatedly they will get banned.

    Please can you stop posting in this thread... it would be a shame to have such a good thread locked because of this.

  11. #410
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Real things said in court

    These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, Sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

    "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

    The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

    "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

    On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by AgentK View Post
    Well I guess its in the title isn't it... second one was just sinister

    1st was brilliant, wouldn't mind being exploited like that

    And the 3rd was clever.

    Keep them coming
    OiD - clever, brilliant and sinister. Who'd of thunk it.
    To err is human. To really foul things up ... you need a computer.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Behemoth View Post
    Hearing aids, walking aids, financial aids.
    Haven't heard that one.

    Quote Originally Posted by shadowmaster View Post
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
    I think I might stick these on my wall at home. They're that good.

    Quote Originally Posted by shadowmaster View Post
    "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
    Is it bad that I didn't see that punch line coming. Very funny. Still laughing.

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  16. #414
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by hOtTiGeR (but actually Zak) View Post
    Hottiger walks into a bar and tells a very offensive joke.
    The bar tender goes red around the ears, deletes his post, and pm's him to ask him to pls be less rude and offensive
    Not heard that one before. Very good

    Quote Originally Posted by shadowmaster View Post
    Real things said in court

    (post was here)
    I've heard all those before, they're still funny though.

    Some things mature with age: clearly, I'm not one of those things

  17. #415
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
    Female customer: A white one...

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

    ===============

    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

    Customer: Your left or my left?

    ===============

    Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says ' Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

    ===============

    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
    Customer: Aaaah... thank you!

    ===============

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

    ===============

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...

    ===============

    Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

    ===============

    Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    C ustomer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars...

    ===============

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

    ===============

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

    ===============

    Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

    ===============

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

    ===============

    And last but not least...

    Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: "P"... on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

  18. #416
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    GIVING UP WINE

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

    'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

    'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

    'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

    'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

    'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

    'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead , I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

    The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

    I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine

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