The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[dave87]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'
'You're with the GOVERNMENT..This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed.'

[mediaboy]

More stereotypes? I like it!

[sleepyhead]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Saturday.
____________________________________________________________

It is Friday night and Superman is bored. He decides to fly to his local, but isn't keen at the prospect of drinking alone, so on the way he calls at Spiderman's house.

Spiderman answers the door and says, "I'm sorry, Superman, but I can't come to the pub tonight. The web mechanism on my wrist is broken. I'm fighting crime tomorrow and I must fix my web mechanism.

"Superman flies away, and en route to the pub, calls the home of Captain America.Captain America answers the door and says, "I'm sorry, Superman, but I can't come to the pub tonight. I'm fighting crime tomorrow and I need to pump some iron or else I won't be fit enough to fight crime."Superman understands their need for preparation. Crime fighting is an important job.

As he flies over Wonder Woman's house, Superman notices that he can see through her skylight and she is lying naked on her bed. He thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there in micro-seconds and Wonder Woman will never know I had my wicked way with her!

"So down he goes, through Wonder Woman's skylight. He has his way with her and then zooms off, faster than a speeding bullet.

Wonder Woman sits up and exclaims, "What the hell was that?"















The Invisible Man stands up, rubbing his bottom and says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell.

[Poot1873]

A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.

He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.



'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind that would name a rottweiler Jesus.

[Poot1873]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes!

"Well now", says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich".

***POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold!

"I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

***POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" Asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh-can you change my cat into a handsome prince?" she asks.

***POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

[GoNz0]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.


About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the

step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda' figured we was friends.'

[Poot1873]

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle.

Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
_________________________

[dave87]

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said, '
Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador. Then we'll
really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much
Something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,
........ oh & remember not to mention the hunting with dogs Act'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the
requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found
a lovely country pub &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please'
said Brown .

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it
is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay
quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how
heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not
paying the council tax.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador
lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked
back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who
followed the same procedure.

To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender
followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look under
the dog's tail like that? Is it an old Custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them
that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a***holes'.

[Mazen]

Whats blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic...

[dave87]

Ed Zachary Disease


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse.'

[finlay666]

Practical joke we did on a guy at work who is currently on holiday (well honeymoon)











That's right, a chapel around his desk

[dave87]

A BLOKE STORY
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is
lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever
seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get
here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out
of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I
found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used
the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he
nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the
house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut
juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories,
the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her.


'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've
been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something
I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..








He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....







'F*cking hell don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?'

[Dareos]

Practical joke we did on a guy at work who is currently on holiday (well honeymoon)











That's right, a chapel around his desk

just exactly what do you do that allows you to do s*** like this and still get paid?


cos i want a job

ps most impressed

[shadowmaster]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low
fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a
dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing
behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must
be single.’

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on
the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have
tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, ‘Well, you know what, you’re
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cos you’re ugly.’

[Poot1873]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to
the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him
- no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then
120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the
police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of
the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my
wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

[mrk]

Practical joke we did on a guy at work who is currently on holiday (well honeymoon)











That's right, a chapel around his desk

Thread winner !