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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #641
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by finlay666 View Post
    just did a quick search and it wasn't on here yet so........

    What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?


    Dr Dre
    There's enough real groaners on here already

    /slaps head

    (or should that be "/slaps finlay's head" ?)


    EDIT: Ooh, 17 pages @ 40ppp. Keep this up and it's possible we'll catch feisty!... maybe

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    But it's not as bad as
    http://forums.hexus.net/general-disc...ml#post1393447

    and it made me laugh
    H3XU5 Social FAQ
    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by finlay666 View Post
    and it made me laugh
    yours or t'other one? both terrible imo

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
    Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
    One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
    They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘oral sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.’
    The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
    The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
    The nurses ran back into the room. ‘What happened!?’ they cried.
    The husband said, “I’m not sure; maybe she choked.”

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
    One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
    sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
    If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
    support until the child turned 18.
    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
    write "Spaghetti" on the back.
    He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
    One day, some months later, he came home to his confused wife.
    "Honey", she said, "you received a very strange post card today".
    "Oh, really? Let me see...", he said.
    The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned
    white, and fainted.
    On the card was written:
    "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti.
    Two with meatballs, one without.
    Send extra sauce."

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    I had a stroke of luck on the stock exchange yesterday.

    I managed to swap three oxo cubes for a jar of bovril.

    -------------

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I'm using my hand,
    But I'm thinking of you.

    --------------

    I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

    Unbelievable what some people are into.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

    If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

    If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

    So - if you give her any crap , you will receive a ton of s**t.'

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

    The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

    Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

    'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

    'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

    'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

    'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

    'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
    back and reads out loud from the container ...




    'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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  13. #649
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

    'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

    The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

    As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

    'Coming up,' says the bartender

    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

    'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

    As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

    The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'



    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer,
    'Pick one, I can't do both!'


    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

    AND?

    'OLD' IS WHEN...?
    You are not sure these are jokes.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A blonde went into a World Wide Message Centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

    When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

    The man arched an eyebrow.

    "Hmmm...Anything?" he asked.

    "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

    "Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

    "Come in and close the door" the man said.

    She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."

    She did. "Now take down my zipper".

    She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.

    She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.

    The man closed his eyes, smiled and whispered

    "Well............ go ahead".

    The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........







    "Hello. Mom...can you hear me?"

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  17. #651
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    How To Shower Like aWoman

    Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
    lights and darks.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to domore
    sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah andpumice
    stone.

    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 addedvitamins.

    Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean.

    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes untilred.

    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    Rinse conditioner off hair.

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

    Get out of shower.

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    How To Shower Like a Man

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them ina
    pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see girlfriend along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

    Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

    Get in the shower.

    Wash your face.

    Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

    Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair.

    Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

    Wee.

    Rinse off and get out of shower.

    Partially dry off.

    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of baththe
    whole time.

    Admire willy size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on.

    Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

    If you pass girlfriend, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
    'woo-woo' sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed.


    I KNOW YOUR LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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  19. #652
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD View Post
    How To Shower Like aWoman
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TglB2ere2gc

    It's more of a visual joke
    H3XU5 Social FAQ
    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Feminists; if only they put all that passion into their cooking.

    =

    What's the male equivalent of a feminist?

    A sexist.

  21. #654
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread



    *Runs away

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  23. #655
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Brilliant T-Shirt. There is an HTML one for women too. I just need to dig it up from an old HDD...
    In the mean time I'll stick some other pictures up




  24. #656
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Pictures eh?





    Well dodgy

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