The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[Blitzen]

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realisee half of them are stupider than that.

2. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

3. If the Sheffield Football Club were really the first English Football team, who did they play?

4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

5. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

6. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

7. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to impregnate in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

8. What year did Jesus think it was?

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”




The other says, “FFS.....You are drunk....Go Home Dad.”

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[chicken]

www.smouch.net/lol/

safe for work...just turn the volume down



...and dont hate me

http://snipurl.com/STOP

[Brucelles]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered.

"Recently I stopped at a petrol station and came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!''

St. Peter was impressed. 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

[Brucelles]

Taff walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." Taff says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.
--
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
--
Believe it or not but Zimbabwe has a good chance of winning the 2010 soccer world cup - they have an outstanding record of beating foreigners on home soil.
--
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk, he turns to the lady sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The lady replies, "I am 70kg, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My girlfriend is 60kg, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 65kg, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?" The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
--
This morning I received a phone call from a "gorgeous" ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. "Anyway, she giggled, I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So, I told her to f*** off.

[Brucelles]

I recently moved house and had to get a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't', I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shirt?'

[Brucelles]

Here's a selection of favourite letters sent into Viz.



On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pis*ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.

Mrs B. Essex.



The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

John Sampson, Southampton.



If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?

P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .



They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

D Evans, London .



If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Stalker, Bournemouth .



Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.

A Woodward, Sheffield .



They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

J Morgan, Wigan .



If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .



In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

Martin Harwood, Bradford.



These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim Wakefield, Surrey .



Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.

Chris Mapply, Carshalton.



We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.

George Nisbet.



Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .



I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

B Bollockbrain, Braintree .



Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

M Duckworth, Poole .



So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Hull .



To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

Danny King, Balham



I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

K Libretto, Welling

[Brucelles]

I just went to a Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but bugger me, pass the parcel was quick.

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas (petrol) station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

---

Before his daring escape from prison, an American black militant had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the country, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day the bureau received a teletype reply from a small Southern town:
PICTURES RECEIVED... ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD......WHILE RESISTING ARREST

[JK Ferret]

That alien one is excellent great punchline

[mediaboy]

I like the alien one!

[Whiternoise]

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted a slow screw up the wall yesterday, she asked if i wanted a kick in the bollocks.

I didn't know that was a cocktail too.

[PeterStoba]

I just went to a Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but bugger me, pass the parcel was quick.

------

Before his daring escape from prison, an American black militant had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the country, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day the bureau received a teletype reply from a small Southern town:
PICTURES RECEIVED... ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD......WHILE RESISTING ARREST

[shadowmaster]

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual(McCain would agree)
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
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'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
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'Friendly fire - isn't'
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'Air speed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks 'What happened?'.
The pilot's reply : 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[Monkeyboy71]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, whats your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! now **** off you c**t

[Monkeyboy71]

a guy says to his mate in the pub 'you'll never guess what mate! i found a girl tied to the railway track last night!!! i untied her and we went back to mine and had crazy sex all night, in hundreds of different positions!!!!' so his mate says 'sweet!!! did you get a blowjob?' the first guy says 'naah, i couldn't find her head.......'

[Monkeyboy71]

School roll call, teacher gets to Jimmy, he shouts, "Here Miss...."
"And where were you yesterday?" asks teacher.
"My Dad got burnt Miss."
"Oh dear, was he burned badly?" she asked.
"Yes Miss, they don't fk about at the crematorium!!"

[yamangman]

Two guys stop in front of a shop window as one points out an item to the other.

'That's the one I'd get', he says

At which point a cyclops walks up behind him and beats him up.