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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #753
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new BMW doing 75Mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

    I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

    As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much;
    I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.


    Bluddy women drivers!!
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    I was driving along when I saw a hitch-hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied,"It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,OK, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop."
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    · The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking.

    · A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

    · 85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet.

    · I'm really peed off! Someone's just crashed into my car in one of them new Skodas. There's jam and sponge everywhere!

    · Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!

    · Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on .. .My face.

    · I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but pass the parcel was fast!

    · 2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best sex I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

    · If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do ham shankers celebrate palm sunday?

    · Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the skipping!'

    · Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the git was corgi registered.

    · Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a ******.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    The Irish have solved their fuel problem. They have bought 50 millions tons of sand from the arabs and they are going to drill for their own oil.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...

    UNIX Airways

    Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

    Air DOS

    Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

    Mac Airlines

    All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

    Windows Air

    The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

    Windows NT Air

    Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

    Windows XP Air

    You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.
    OSX Air:

    You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says "Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your picture", at which point a camera in the wall you didn't notice before takes your picture. "Thank you, here is your ticket" You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself "wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing"

    Windows Vista Airlines:

    You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are "sure" you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.

    Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked "Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?" you instinctively say "Allow".

    After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn't updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.

    You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much better alternative and helps.

    Linux Air

    Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

    When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

    [Repost?]

    But who cares, these are new:

    I don't think Specsavers are as good as people say. I went there today, and told the optician that I think I'm a bit short sighted.
    "Short sighted," he said, walking over to the window.
    "Do you see that round orangey thing up in the sky?" he asked.
    "Yes, it's the sun," I replied.
    He says "That's 93 million miles away. How far do you want to see?"


    I have a dream. A dream that one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.


    A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
    Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."

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  13. #759
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    BOOBS AND WILLIES

    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
    Kinds of boobs are there?"

    The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three
    Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
    In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
    After 50, they are like onions".

    "Onions?"

    "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

    This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how
    Many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

    The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
    Through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
    Mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
    Reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

    "A Christmas tree?"

    "Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A father was at the beach with his children
    when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
    grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
    where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
    'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
    'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
    The boy thought a moment and then said,
    'Did God throw him back down?'

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  17. #761
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Whiternoise View Post
    [Repost?]
    Don't think so

    But who cares, these are new:

    I don't think Specsavers are as good as people say. I went there today, and told the optician that I think I'm a bit short sighted.
    "Short sighted," he said, walking over to the window.
    "Do you see that round orangey thing up in the sky?" he asked.
    "Yes, it's the sun," I replied.
    He says "That's 93 million miles away. How far do you want to see?"


    I have a dream. A dream that one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.


    A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
    Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."
    First and third are brilliant

    Second is more likely a repost

  18. #762
    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Zen Sarcasm

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

    3 It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

    4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    7 If you think nobody cares if you 're alive, try missing a couple of house payments.

    8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    9 If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.

    10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

    13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

    17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.

    18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

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  20. #763
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    When girls don't put out...

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE:

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bee-atch knows I'm smarter than her.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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  22. #764
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread


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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    One for de laydeez

    The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

    As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are
    you dressed like this?

    The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go
    out to her motor home with her. So I did.
    We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to
    pull off my shirt ... so I did.
    Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
    pants ... so I did.
    Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off
    my shorts ... so I did.
    Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy
    and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".
    And here I am.


    Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist ……….
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  25. #766
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread







    Some topical fun for you

    Last edited by Whiternoise; 20-10-2008 at 12:12 PM.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Think Before Naming Your Child!

    SOME parents can be cruel – or down right stupid – when naming their kids.
    SUE AGE - Born Glasgow, 1849.
    PETER PIDDLE - Baptized Fowey, Cornwall, 1649.
    ENEMA BOTTOMLEY WOOD - Died Huddersfield, 1904.
    SEYMOUR BUST - Born Halstead, Essex, 1841.
    PLEASANT TITTY - Baptized Margate, Kent, 1768.
    (She was named after her mom — so the family had a pair of Pleasant Tittys.)
    SEXEY BUTT - Born Dundry, Somerset, 1803.
    EFFING DICK - Born Glasgow, 1848.
    WILLY MUSCLE - Born Holme, Huntingdonshire, 1685.
    GOLDEN BALLS - Baptized Aylsham, Norfolk, 1813.
    KENNETH McSHAGGER - Born Scotland, 1841.
    WILLIE STRETCH - Born Winsford, Cheshire, 1894.
    NANCY BOYS - Born Brighton, 1842.
    MAD LOONEY - Died Warwicks, 1894.
    CONSTANT PAIN - Born Hackney, London, 1901.
    MINNIE BAR - Baptized Galston, Ayr, 1761.
    AL DENTE - Born Whitechapel, London, 1900.
    POSTHUMOUS MINCE - Died Greenwich, Kent, 1839.
    AGNES ETTA PEPPER - Born Ipswich, 1881.
    EASTER BUNNY - Born Yorkshire, 1851.
    KITTY LITTER - Born Marston, Cheshire, 1839.
    HOLLY BERRY - Born Barnsley, 1880.
    PEARLY GATES - Married Westminster, 1996.
    RICK O’SHEA - Married Kennington, London, 1864.
    SENSITIVE REDHEAD - Born Bridlington, E Yorks, 1873.
    JIMMY RIDDLE - Born Melrose, Midlothian, 1648
    PETE SAKE - Born Cheshire, 1840.
    PECULIAR BUTTERY - Married Wolverhampton, 1871.
    ALICE MAY FALL - Born Shoreditch, London, 1894.
    NICHOLAS STREAKER - Born Durham, 1747.
    LETTICE SPRAY - Baptized Greasley, Notts, 1633.
    IRIS TEW - Died Chester, 1985.
    DICK BRAIN - Born Stoke-on-Trent, 1871.
    TURD COLLAR - Born Ireland, 1821.
    TERESA FARTWANGLER - Born Usk, Monmouth, 1828.
    PHILIP PLONKER - Baptized Shalford, Surrey, 1632.
    WILLY LEAK - Born Poplar, London, 1886.
    ANICE BOTTOM - Baptized Dewsbury, W Yorks, 1837.
    IVA LONGBOTTOM - Born Balby, S Yorks, 1899.
    TRANNIE PICKUP - Born Portsmouth, 1853.
    SILLY TROLLOPE - Born Doncaster, 1894.
    DICK HANDLER - Baptized Earls Colne, Essex, 1585.
    JOYCE MOODY NUTTER - Died Braintree, Essex, 2001.
    HUGH SWELLING - Born Ireland, 1811.
    PHIL GRAVES - Died Rotherham 1879.
    DEMOSTHENES CUPPA - Married London, 1886.
    BASIL LEAF - Born York, 1895.
    LARGE BEE - Born Notts, 1829.
    LOW FEE - Married Chorlton, Cheshire, 1908.
    COLLY FLOWER - Father of girl married in Soho, London, 1797.
    MAUD STALE BUN - Born Sunderland, 1851.
    LOW FAT - Married Cardiff, 1905.
    FAY KING - Died Bromley, Kent, 1998.
    SANDY BEACH - Born East London, 1899.
    DAILY BONER - Born Hernhill, Kent, 1898.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  27. #768
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    The story of Uncle Bob

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

    "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Don't **** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

    As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

  28. Received thanks from:

    0iD (21-10-2008),chuckskull (20-10-2008),DevilMayCry42 (21-10-2008),Hicks12 (21-10-2008),mediaboy (20-10-2008),nichomach (21-10-2008),Workaholic (20-10-2008)

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