The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[JK Ferret]

I can do all bar #7 for obvious reasons

Send me some vodka then

How much is a jigger? Is that how much lands in the glass when you pour a bit whilst jigging?

[Lee H]

I can do all bar #7 for obvious reasons

Who knows, maybe it will stimulate follicle growth and you'll end up with a "Pat Sharp" Mullet

[0iD]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,

"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he probably said..


"Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!"

[0iD]

Who knows, maybe it will stimulate follicle growth and you'll end up with a "Pat Sharp" Mullet

Like...



Or even .....

[0iD]

A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him backto her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clockthe next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs. The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

[0iD]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman go to a strip club.
They belly up to the front row and the lady does her stuff.
For the finale she waggles her naked bum in the Englishman's face;
he reaches for his wallet, takes out a tenner, licks it and slaps it on her left buttock.
The stripper moves along and repeats the manoeuvre in front of the Irishman;
he too takes a tenner from his wallet, licks it and slaps it on her right cheek.
She now confronts the Scot with her arse and wiggles it as before.
He also removes his wallet, takes out his credit card, swipes it and takes
twenty pounds cashback.......

[Whiternoise]

The bloke who lives next door to me is a bit pissed off, his wife has just given birth to a ginger kid, and neither he or she have ginger hair, i told him not to worry and that there must be a normal reason for this to happen. I asked him how often they have sex, to which he said "Once a year", so i said "Well there's your explanation then , you're a bit Rusty"

[mediaboy]

Repost methinks...

[shadowmaster]

Repost methinks...

Yep, I beginning to notice more and more reposts but thats to be expected. The thread is now 50 pages long

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The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too." "I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy b****.''

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Here is one for you chemists out there.

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.Woman
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

[baius]

Repost methinks...

(Joke - sorry if wrong thread.)

[Nick]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

Years ago he had built a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming and the trees provided shade for some picnic tables... it was a nice spot. So nice that many of the locals often came over for a swim and to picnic, on the unspoken agreement that they left his fruit alone.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He reckoned he needed to pick some of his mangoes and check on the avocados so he grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back the fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting, laughing and lots of splashing.

As he came closer he saw the ground litter with fresh mango and avocado stones... someone had eaten his crop!

Emerging from the trees he saw it was a bunch of young women, who were now skinny-dipping in his dam.


Calling out to them, trying to keep his eyes off their firm bodies and pert bits, he asks if they ate the fruit.

Realising this old man was between them and their clothes, all the women swam down to the deep end of the dam in the hope of not giving him a flash of bare flesh.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave, so you can swing if you think you're going to see us naked!'

The old man, thinking about these women that have eaten his crop, frowned and then replies, 'I didn't come down here to watch you all swim around naked and I don't care about getting you out of the water to catch a glimpse of your bodies...'

At this point he holds up his bucket: 'I'm just here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men my walk slow but they think fast...

[0iD]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'


Mrs. Smith fainted.....

[j.o.s.h.1408]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[baius]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

Think this one's a repeat (but I've only read about a 1/4 of this thread).

Edit: Yep, it was here, by dave87.

[0iD]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' '

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass, and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[0iD]

A man goes to his doctor and says "Doctor, I think I'm having trouble with my hearing".

"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.

The man replies ... "They're a TV cartoon family, why?"