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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #129
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    That last one is genius!

  2. #130
    Senior Member ajones's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

    Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one. '
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  3. #131
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

    After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

    In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

    The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

    "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

  4. #132
    Ghost of Hexus Present sammyc's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    q. where do you usually find frogspawn
    a. on the top shelf of a frog newsagent..

  5. #133
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by sammyc View Post
    q. where do you usually find frogspawn
    a. on the top shelf of a frog newsagent..
    /you need to exit the building quickly now, while no-one is around.
    .
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice"

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Two gynecologists were talking and one said to the other, "Last week I had a patient with tits like melons. That big!"

    The other one replied, "That's nothing, yesterday I had a patient with a clit like a lemon."

    "What that big?"

    "No that sour."

  7. #135
    Ghost of Hexus Present sammyc's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by godsdog View Post
    /you need to exit the building quickly now, while no-one is around.
    that good, was it...?

  8. #136
    Senior Member ajones's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

    He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

  9. #137
    Senior Member ajones's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    "Ah Yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
    -- Robin Williams

    "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
    -- Tom Clancy

    "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
    -- Steve Martin

    "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
    -- Woody Allen

    "Bisexuality immediately doubles you chances for a date on Saturday night."
    -- Rodney Dangerfield

    "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
    -- George Burns

    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
    -- Sharon Stone

    "My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."
    -- Steve Jobs

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bi*ch"
    -- Jack Nicholson

    "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
    -- Barbara Bush

    "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
    -- Roseanne Barr

    "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
    -- Billy Crystal

    "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do of undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
    -- Robert De Niro

    "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
    -- Rod Stewart

    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
    -- Robin Williams

  10. #138
    Senior Member ajones's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


    Arriving home around noonone day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


    She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
    these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"


    That's when she shot him.


    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

  11. #139
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by ajones View Post
    worth over $2 million ..... worth over $3 million
    Any particular reason why they gain $1 million?

    Also, we're Brits over here, use sterling!

  12. #140
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    oops, sorry guys.. a bit too far...
    Last edited by Nick; 27-02-2008 at 05:42 PM. Reason: Pulled it cos it was too far over the line

  13. #141
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    If you knew if was that dodgy, why post it? I know there are lots of people that won't find it funny, and it may very well get deleted.

    Just a heads up for future reference.

  14. #142
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Just wanted to say some excellent jokes here. Thanks to all you have made my morning

  15. #143
    Senior Member ajones's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Elyk View Post
    Any particular reason why they gain $1 million?

    Also, we're Brits over here, use sterling!
    I dunno.. maybe because 1+2 = 3?

    Quote Originally Posted by ajones View Post
    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
    Do we have to edit all currency denominations and make them English these days? Do I have to check that my work spell checker (defaults to the US dictionary as that's company policy) converts all US versions of English words correctly? And I have to do that in a thread supposedly for "the rest of the chaff that's not necessarily obscene that can't go anywhere else"?

    English beaurocracy at it's best.. makes me feel all proud
    Last edited by ajones; 26-02-2008 at 09:12 AM. Reason: gratz on the thousandth post btw!!!

  16. #144
    Ғо ѕніzzLє му піzzLє chicken's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    1.21 GIGAWATTS!!!!!

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