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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #161
    SiM
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread


  2. #162
    radix lecti dave87's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Making a baby:

    Hilarious and there is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

    On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

    Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''
    Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
    Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'
    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
    My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

    Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
    'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
    'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh equipment?'
    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
    'Tripod?'
    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big to be held in the hand very long.'
    Mrs. Smith fainted.........

  3. #163
    Senior Member kasavien's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by dave87 View Post
    Making a baby...
    Genius

  4. #164
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by dave87 View Post
    Making a baby:
    Superb

  5. #165
    Ғо ѕніzzLє му піzzLє chicken's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Elyk View Post
    The sad thing about that last joke is that it is becoming ever more the norm in today's society Stupid nanny state and the PC Brigade

    Time's like these, it's lucky we have jokes like these to keep our spirits up
    Quote Originally Posted by Behemoth View Post
    What do fat birds and mopeds have in common ?...
    Excellent follow-up!


    And the making a baby one is great too!
    1.21 GIGAWATTS!!!!!

  6. #166
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    The making a baby joke, quality

  7. #167
    Chillie in here j.o.s.h.1408's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just
    > imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many
    > Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

    The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
    > called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
    > married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
    > answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
    > questions.

    The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
    > (phone number) for verification. = If their partner answers those same =
    >> three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

    One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
    > drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
    > you've heard yet.

    Anyway, here's how it all went down:


    > DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


    > Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


    > DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
    > you win.
    > What is your name? First only please.'

    Contestant: 'Brian.'


    > DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


    > Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


    > DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


    > Brian: 'Sara.'


    > DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


    > Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


    > DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


    > Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


    > DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


    > Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


    > DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


    > Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


    > DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


    > Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


    > DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
    > that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

    Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


    > DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this =
    > morning?


    > Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


    > DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


    > Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
    > for couple of weeks...'


    > DJ: 'Uh huh...'


    > Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

    DJ: 'A nuisance tta boy, Brian.'

    Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


    > DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
    > times I've done it.
    > Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
    > work number and call her up.


    >You listen to this.'
    > [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


    > DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
    > tones.....ringing....)


    > Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

    DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

    Clerk: 'This is she.'


    > DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air
    > right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

    Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

    DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian
    > knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose.

    Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

    Sarah: 'No.'

    DJ: 'Good!'


    > Brian: (laughing)


    > Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


    > Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
    > completely honest.'


    > DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
    > Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the
    > both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


    > Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

    DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

    Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


    > DJ: 'What time?'

    Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

    DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'


    > Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

    DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is
    > manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one
    > question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you
    > ready?'


    > Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


    > DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


    > Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


    > Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


    > DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


    > Sarah: 'Well...'


    > DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


    > Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have
    > a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
    > Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police
    > just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

  8. #168
    Ghost of Hexus Present sammyc's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    i just don't get it..

  9. #169
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    You're not the only one, I actually EXPLAINED it to my brother at least 5 times. He still doesn't understand
    /shakes head

    It's an owl. Owls make a 'HOO' noise. Hoo sounds the same as Who. Therefore...

    knock knock.
    hoo (owl) is there?
    o rly? (i.e., how did you know?)

  10. #170
    Ghost of Hexus Present sammyc's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    kinda thought so i was trying to make it more complicated than it was. hoo's there.. oh i suppose so..
    (can't thank you on here i see but thank you anyway)

  11. #171
    Senior Member Betty_Swallocks's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Ah, it all becomes clear now.

    Not really much of a joke if it has to be explained to that extent.
    "Free speech includes not only the inoffensive but the irritating, the contentious, the eccentric, the heretical, the unwelcome and the provocative provided it does not tend to provoke violence. Freedom only to speak inoffensively is not worth having."

  12. #172
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    If you get it to start off with, it is rather funny. Obviously, it requires your funny radar to be tuned to the right frequency

  13. #173
    Senior Member Betty_Swallocks's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

    St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

    The first nun says, "I've always wanted to know what it must be like to be truly saintly, so I'd like to go back as Mother Theresa" and POOF she's gone.

    The second says, "I would have loved to know our Lord while he was on Earth so I'd like to be Mary Magdalene" and POOF she's gone.

    The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

    St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

    "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

    St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, I have a list here of everyone who's ever lived and that name isn't on it."

    "There must be some mistake" says the nun. "I have a newspaper article about her right here"

    She takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

    He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister" he laughs, "this says Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
    "Free speech includes not only the inoffensive but the irritating, the contentious, the eccentric, the heretical, the unwelcome and the provocative provided it does not tend to provoke violence. Freedom only to speak inoffensively is not worth having."

  14. #174
    Ghost of Hexus Present sammyc's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Betty_Swallocks View Post

    Not really much of a joke if it has to be explained to that extent.
    solidarity thank you

  15. #175
    SiM
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Elyk View Post
    You're not the only one, I actually EXPLAINED it to my brother at least 5 times. He still doesn't understand
    /shakes head

    It's an owl. Owls make a 'HOO' noise. Hoo sounds the same as Who. Therefore...

    knock knock.
    hoo (owl) is there?
    o rly? (i.e., how did you know?)
    TBH, I didn't think that was the joke... I just thought the pic looked well funny...

  16. #176
    Ghost of Hexus Present sammyc's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    kind of old so stop me if you've heard it...

    a guy was living away from home & rang up regularly to see how everyone was. one day he phoned, his brother answered, & as soon as the guy asked how things were his brother said 'The cat's dead.' Kind of upset, as he was fond of their old cat, the guy said 'Well you could have broken that to me a bit more gently! Why didn't you invent a little story to soften the blow...? for example... something like... the cat was playing with its favourite ball up on the roof, when it slipped & fell awkwardly... you took it to the vets & things looked touch & go, but you hoped for the best... then after that you could have said that sadly the cat didn't make it - it would have been less of a shock that way.' The brother said yes he saw what the guy meant, & was sorry, etc. Next week the guy rang home, his brother answered, and when asked how things were he said. 'Well I've got some bad news about Mum. I'm afraid she was playing with her favourite ball up on the roof....'

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