Why my relationship failed (getting it out of my system)

[Jay]

I'm sorry if this is a little blunt but she cheated on you... How could you trust her after that? You sound like a better person than her.

[kalniel]

I've had several long term relationships that didn't work out for one reason or another. Each time one ends it's only natural to beat on yourself about it and go through all the 'if onlys'..

But there's no point - until we invent time machines the past really is the past and you just have to chalk it up to experience. I don't believe in the 'there's one person out there' thing, and the fact of the matter is that anyone able to examine their thoughts rationally and post about them so eloquently is more than likely to be able to find someone they are perfectly compatible with spending the rest of their lives with if that's what you want.

There really are more fish in the sea Shelley is right on - learn from it, and use it to make the next relationship better.

For my faults, I'm now engaged...

[Disturbedguy]

I ma sorry if this is a little blunt but she cheated on you... How could you trust her after that? You sound like a better person than her.

If this was aimed at me, then I dont know for sure that she has cheated on me, I just has these suspicions/ feelings that she may have, it kind of add's up.

I intend to learn from whatever mistakes I have made in this relationship, even to just improve myself. The main reason I am struggling is that she was my first long term partner so I havent experienced this before.

[eshrules]

I'll no doubt get flamed for my harshness, but what's all this moaning about?

a relationship happened. It ended. The end.

just move on, live your life and you'll meet someone at the next junction. I understand there are feelings similar to those of grief and they're natural, but there has to be a point when you just accept what's what and deal with it.

fwiw, once they're an ex, they're free to see who they please - I'd advise not getting hung up on things like that, maintaining contact with an ex (unless necessary for the benefit of children) is always a bad idea imho.

[Kata]

I'll no doubt get flamed for my harshness, but what's all this moaning about?

a relationship happened. It ended. The end.

just move on, live your life and you'll meet someone at the next junction. I understand there are feelings similar to those of grief and they're natural, but there has to be a point when you just accept what's what and deal with it.

fwiw, once they're an ex, they're free to see who they please - I'd advise not getting hung up on things like that, maintaining contact with an ex (unless necessary for the benefit of children) is always a bad idea imho.

This is, as he said, just a part of getting over it. Where's the harm?

[eshrules]

This is, as he said, just a part of getting over it. Where's the harm?

I don't remember saying there was any harm in it? I remember offering my opinion on the OP's post.

[Andeh13]

Yeh, we went through a rough patch 18 months into our relationship & it ended up with her getting with another guy. I more or less moved on then after splitting up with her, met a new girl & things went well, then found out she was pregnant (once again, def my child) and we gave it another go a couple of months later.

We always had a bit of a strange relationship, i did feel taken for granted for a lot of the last half of it & never truely felt appreciated. Becoming parents was tough for us both, but she never seemed to understand how hard it was for me as well, esp with being at her mums house all the time & my parents being abroad. Fitting all my university work into 4 days a week, then driving 80+ miles to see, buy shopping for the family & fit in with her schedule no matter what. I also did have my fair share of worries about the future & how i could live with someone with such a short fuse & no patience. Memories of how well we worked together 'back in the day' kept it all in check though.

I know how it feels Disturbedguy, would have been our 3 year anniversary this week & she was my first long term girlfriend. She has known this guy for the last 6 months through this song & dance show, though assured me (and i cant help but believe her) that things only kicked off between them in the last couple of weeks. What strikes me as odd is the fact he is 12 years older then her (35, though looks older) and looks more like the sort of guy to be in a bar fight/nascar race then anything. Google America Chopper & look at the old guy in that & minus some hair you get the idea. Maybe its the fact he has a house & lives locally for the convenience & security atm which i couldn't provide.


And eshrules, each to their own & fair enough . Everyone will go through this at some point & i'm sure some of you will be looking back & remembering when you were in the shoes of me & Disturbedguy. This is nothing new & is a blip on the radar for now, but in the long run will only be of benefit to us. Move on, meet someone new & use what you learned to avoid the same mistakes.

[pollaxe]

To echo the wise words of some others here; this too shall pass. It's hell whilst you're going through it, the doubt, the recriminations and the analysing over and over again of what happened.

I've been there, I was engaged, it all went south about 18 months later. My ex fiancee even invited me to her wedding!! (I didn't go!) I've been through several rough break-ups since. The only thing I'll say is that it gets a bit easier as you get older and if something's not right then it's better to get out of the situation. People do change and what they want out of life can also change too.

It's hard to take on board when feelings are so raw but there are indeed many more fish in the sea and you'll move on, learn from this and the experience won't be wasted.

Hang on in there guys and I hope the worm turns for you both very soon.

[Disturbedguy]

Yeh, we went through a rough patch 18 months into our relationship & it ended up with her getting with another guy. I more or less moved on then after splitting up with her, met a new girl & things went well, then found out she was pregnant (once again, def my child) and we gave it another go a couple of months later.

We always had a bit of a strange relationship, i did feel taken for granted for a lot of the last half of it & never truely felt appreciated. Becoming parents was tough for us both, but she never seemed to understand how hard it was for me as well, esp with being at her mums house all the time & my parents being abroad. Fitting all my university work into 4 days a week, then driving 80+ miles to see, buy shopping for the family & fit in with her schedule no matter what. I also did have my fair share of worries about the future & how i could live with someone with such a short fuse & no patience. Memories of how well we worked together 'back in the day' kept it all in check though.

I know how it feels Disturbedguy, would have been our 3 year anniversary this week & she was my first long term girlfriend. She has known this guy for the last 6 months through this song & dance show, though assured me (and i cant help but believe her) that things only kicked off between them in the last couple of weeks. What strikes me as odd is the fact he is 12 years older then her (35, though looks older) and looks more like the sort of guy to be in a bar fight/nascar race then anything. Google America Chopper & look at the old guy in that & minus some hair you get the idea. Maybe its the fact he has a house & lives locally for the convenience & security atm which i couldn't provide.


And eshrules, each to their own & fair enough . Everyone will go through this at some point & i'm sure some of you will be looking back & remembering when you were in the shoes of me & Disturbedguy. This is nothing new & is a blip on the radar for now, but in the long run will only be of benefit to us. Move on, meet someone new & use what you learned to avoid the same mistakes.

I had the same feelings aswell Andehh, but i did the same, I just remember the good times and what made and kept us happy and to me, that was the important thing. In our time together, we never argued, and I mean never had any kind of fall out where we didnt talk, so I hadn't experienced it before, where Andehh has so he has some idea of what to expect and feel I guess/

Eshrules, no flaming mate, for one it wouldnt help and two, I think deep down both me and Andehh know what you are saying and where you are coming from but everyone has a "down in the dumps" stage right?

I have seen american chopper so I know which guy you are talking about Andehh, the guy my ex is with is older than her as well, and me, I think late 20's early thirties. Like I said, its not the fact that she is with someone else that hurts, its that she told me to my face she wouldnt be with this guy.

And to be honest, me and this guy are so similar it makes me wonder..

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

Like I said, its not the fact that she is with someone else that hurts, its that she told me to my face she wouldnt be with this guy.

If she rejected you then do the same. Don't waste any more of your time with a lost cause. The fact is you even suspect that she was involved with this chap in some way when you were both still in a relationship. She has lied to your face too!!

[TheAnimus]

Given the demographic of the forum I can also offer the advice, at least your a guy, the guys 'biological clock' for finding someone before your too wrinkled, uglyied and dried up is somewhat better than a girls!

[Disturbedguy]

If she rejected you then do the same. Don't waste any more of your time with a lost cause.

I'm not mate. I have removed any form of contact I had with her or any of her family or friends, mobile numbers, facebook accounts and msn.

I have binned pictures that I had and was keeping "just in case" and have even stopped wearing the chain she bought me for my birthday.

I WILL get through this and I WILL be a better person and hell I may even find someone (not a priority) but I will NOT let her drag me down and I will NOT let the fact that she is moving on continue to beat me down.

I KNOW I did right by her and I KNOW that I NEVER did anything to hurt her our doubt our relationship. Hell when we first got together (this is something most people dont know) she self harmed, not massive cuts, but she cut herself and within the first month or two, I helped her get through it and I stopped her from doing it. I made a choice, right there and then to stick with her once I found out and regardless of what has happened the 4.5 years we spent together were great and fun and I enjoyed every minute of it.

But like I said, I will move on and I will find someone else. A girl form work has told me something which I didnt realise which was a boost and I will continue to go back to.

Thanks to everyone though

Andehh, if you ever feel like a chat on msn *pm'ed to you andehh* or any hexus person for that matter

[Zak33]

we can , and will delete it if yuo really want... but I think you're gonna want it to stay.. it's clearly already helped other people here

Man up.. grow a pair.. and decide to leave it here, in public

Respect.... you earned it by the spade

[TheAnimus]

might not want to put your full email address on such a highly google ranked site, you'll get spammm.

[Disturbedguy]

we can , and will delete it if yuo really want... but I think you're gonna want it to stay.. it's clearly already helped other people here

Man up.. grow a pair.. and decide to leave it here, in public

Respect.... you earned it by the spade

Zak I am assuming you mean the thread?

Her yes i will pm my addy to andehh and anyone whom wants it

[G4Z]

Its been an interesting read this thread.. I am debating right now if I should post my own tale of woe or not.

Sod it I will, I started seeing my most significant ex way back in 2000, we lived together by 2002 due to her moving in with an idiot friend and then being desperate to move out so I obliged. We were together 9 years and I have to say I thought that it was a very happy relationship, we were best mates, the sex was always fantastic and regular. She treaded me like a king to be fair, was always making me sandwiches and cups of tea and doing things for me.

At some point in the last year things somehow got away from me, she wasn't happy that I went to Ibiza for a second time with my mates. We had a big talk about it when we got back but to be honest I couldn't remember a word of it because at the time I just wanted to lie down and sleep (I had been caning it for a week solid and had a serious hangover). Anyway, according to her this was my warning to change my ways that went unheeded. Events conspired against me though and I lost a job a week after I got back from that holiday, this definitely took my focus off my relationship (such as my focus was) and I have to admit I think I was in fact quite depressed about it. I had always loved my games and loved nothing more than whiling away a few hours on my PC downstairs in a cloud of smoke but I have to admit left 4 dead had just come out and I just buried myself in playing that. Looking back its easy to see that this was just escapism really so I didn't have to deal with anything in real life but at the time I thought I was really just enjoying playing it!

Things plodded along for a couple of months, my job situation improved a bit and then one of her friends died. Now the thing is, in all honestly I never liked this friend for a couple of reasons but the biggest one was the fact that she had my ex texting her everyday to check she hadn't died (the illness she had sadly meant someday it was a certainty) as her major fear was being found dead 2 weeks later or something. I really didn't like her putting that kind of pressure on my ex (as in the worry every time she didn't get a reply for a couple of hours), especially when she did have family and a boyfriend. Anyway, that day was at the end of March last year and my ex was understandably upset. Have to say, I didn't have a clue what to say or do to console her and I probably wasn't the best I could have been in this regard. Over the next week she snapped at me for every little thing and then apologised because obviously she was upset about her friend. I understood this but after 7 days of it I was quite blunt and told her that 'I wish you would stop saying that, I know why you are upset you don't have to explain'. Apparently she really took that to mean something I didn't but regardless she decided to go away fro a weeks holiday with her parents.

A week later, she gets back walks in the door and tells me she is leaving. Can't tell you how badly that hurt, to say I was crushed would be an understatement. I was 28 at the time and I had never been dumped before, and I really never thought we would end like that. I mean, I knew nothing lasts forever I wasn't naive about that, but after so much time and feeling like we could say anything to each other I just didn't think it would happen with us.

That was exactly a year ago on Monday and since then I have got myself properly in shape and ive been out with a couple of women and I am currently seeing somebody. I dunno exactly where that's gonna go, if I am honest I don't really see a future in it I know I still have strong feelings for my ex. I wonder if that will ever go away, im trying but who knows, 9 years is a lot of stuff to get over.

I suppose on the plus side slept with more women in the last 12 months than I had before in my entire life, so I suppose if you break it all down to numbers then I am winning!! sort of...

I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I had 9 years with her, but the truth is I don't feel lucky. I feel like I screwed up the best thing I have ever had in my life and that really sucks a bit.

Shes got some new bloke now so I hear, I removed her from facebook (really regret doing that, maybe if I had had a bit more contact I could have pulled things around but instead I got pig headed and removed her in a fit of anger) and don't have any contact anymore. That hurts to think she is with somebody else but I suppose I will get over it, lets face it theres no way he is gonna be as good as me anyway because im awesome