Why my relationship failed (getting it out of my system)

[Andeh13]

Rationalising everything helps me (being an engineer...), and now that my ex girlfriend has found my replacement everything has turned blurry again (luckerly a temporary measure. Got over her once, will do again!). Made worse by the fact that before I found out about him I genuinely thought we would get back together again (I called her up inviting her on a 'first date'....a meal out for her birthday when she told me about him).

We failed because of the distance between us and the stress of having a daughter, she was in Peterborough and i was in Coventry. I am in my final year at university, whilst she graduated last year. I am very busy with work, and at the time with finding a job...something i needed desperately. Work came first, which we all agreed on.

We grew apart through having no time together. We were always at her house with her family, and with our daughter being in bed by 8pm when we went to bed we couldn't talk for fear of waking her. Admittedly I tried my best, I drove over there every weekend at massive cost, treated her to meals out, cinema when we could fit it in and all in all do all i could. When i wasn't with her i would send her a txt before bed no mater where i was or what i was doing hinting at our future together, among the usual calls & txts each day. Little things i hoped made me different from any other boyfriend.

Admittedly whilst over there i spent a lot of time in front of the TV/my laptop doing a mixture of job applications & Hexus. She did the same with her PC and Facebook. I would rarely listen to her properly when she was talking in general (her day, her friends what shes been up too etc) though i did when she had problems and needed to vent or a subject that mattered. In my defence i had a lot of very long weeks & some long days with the work and by the weekend i just wanted to switch off. I never realised how much it bothered her having 2 repeat something before i realised she was talking to me. I regret it all.

She had a real temper and was very stubborn, and very very rarely did she ever admit to being wrong, apologies for anything or take a step back from an argument (far more so then the average relationship). Arguments continued until i backed down and apologised, whether i was right or wrong. We both argued as much as each other admittedly, both started our fair share, but i would admit when i was wrong, and apologise when i took it too far (though i always apologised for everything anyway).

She took up rehearsals for a song & dance show in January, i was over the moon with it thinking it would get her out the house and help her relax a bit instead of being at home with our daughter all the time. This was despite her already having 2-3 evenings out a week with voluntary work with local guides etc, something she did enjoy. The rehearsals were on a Friday evening & all day Sunday, which more then halved the time i could see her. She never had a second thought about this and i was too scared of bringing it up for fear of an argument/being seen as uncaring. When I did bring it up & told her how i felt about it i got both barrels and the butt of the gun. I never felt comfortable in her families house without her there so would come back to Coventry earlier to get some work done, despite seeing less of my daughter. This was my choice however, she understood it though. I did my best to support her with the show.

As time went on she spent more & more time at these rehearsals, including going out for drinks with them afterwards on a Friday evening. This meant i would drive over there for 11pm and wait for her to get back or Saturday morning. Again whenever I tried to bring it up how little i was seeing her i would get argued down & would end up apologising to her. I made do with seeing her for Saturday & an hour on Sunday morning. Slowly we drifted apart and i was so busy with uni/grad jobs i never noticed. The bomb shell came 6-7 weeks ago when she told me she saw me as a friend more then anything. Told me she had grown up since uni and with me still going out clubbing weekly (admittedly, i only went out on a Friday when she couldn't see me, i never choose a night out over her, ever) she saw us only drifting further apart. She mentioned me not listening to her properly & being on my laptop when i was there, despite grad job applications & the stuff i didn't listen to being irrelevant. I screwed up there, admitted it and knew it. She was right about us drifting apart, i never saw it coming but was so busy with uni work and trying to find a job i never stood a chance. I only wish she had talked to me about it sooner so we could have worked through it rather then letting it build up.

We stayed apart for a couple of weeks, no/very little contact to see how things went. I drove over and saw our daughter whilst she went out (seeing new guy? possibly but i don't know) and did it that way for a few weeks. Despite knowing that i was never 100% comfortable in the relationship with the way she treated(?) me/her temper I would have done anything to take her back, if only for the sake of my daughter (see the film Taken & the birthday seen). Deep down i was so sure we would get back together again. The reasons we broke up was so eminently fixable i thought, i felt that a few talks about it & some changes for us both would give us the fairy tale relationship, and we would be back to talking of marriage (which she talked non stop about at Christmas, magazines & everything) and where we would live together.

After a couple of weeks and me seeing her one Saturday she rang me, i saw her when i visited our daughter and it was like the good old days. She wore the ring i got her for Christmas (still does) and she still had pictures of me up around the house. I was so sure we would give it another go one day soon & with some miner adjustments we would be happier then ever & i would be king of my castle again.

Couple more weeks passed, i saw a few girls nothing serious just fun but still wanted her back. I rang her today suggesting a meal to celebrate her up coming birthday, and joked about it possibly being our first 'date'. She went quiet and with a bit of poking from me found out about the new guy. 12 years older then her, looks a bit like Paul Teutul, Sr from American chopper but with less fair, and met him through this song & dance show they are doing. She assures me they have only been getting together in the last couple of weeks & i do believe her (without me being naive etc). It hurts knowing that she is with someone else & the fact that i am officially a visiting dad. She is very good about letting me see our daughter & she would never come between us, still hurts seeing my daughter for a few hours & then having to say goodbye for another week. Especially in the house where a few months earlier i would race over there eager to see my two favourite girls.

I was never sure if she was right for me, i felt i made far more of an effort with seeing her, surprising her & making an effort to be there for her. I live with our daughters godfather (my best mate) who gave up an industry placement to live with me & do is final year alongside mine. This was on the rough understanding that my then gf & daughter would be down every other weekend. He is a mother in mans clothes & adores children and would bend over backwards for our daughter. My then gf & daughter visited us twice, once for her graduation & before going home afterwards and once for the night. I blamed myself & made up excuses whenever my flatmate brought up how little he was seeing his god-daughter & how disappointed he was. Even when my girlfriend justified reasons for why she never visited us i accepted them & at times agreed just to keep the peace & make sure she was happy.

She was vicious at times, swearing at me, shouting at me during arguments. I could count the number of times i ever shouted on one finger (when she cheated on me 18months ago), i never swore at her. An example of an argument we had would be at Christmas, i asked her if she could arrange some time s to visit my family over the Christmas holidays (around her guide work, she planned two 1 night trips there either side of Christmas. I felt a bit hard done by with this and how little time my family would be able to spend with our daughter at her first Christmas. I got shouted at ad ended up apologising. We saw my family for a night before Christmas and a night afterwards.

I am an alright guy i think, i am not a push over and i can more then hold my own with anyone except her. I do my very best to be kinder then most, more generous then most, and more patient then most. I treat others exactly how i would want to be treated myself and am diplomatic/avoid confrontations far more then most. I never felt that in return from her. I miss her so desperately now that i know there is no chance of us in the future (she is happy with him) but most of all i am worried about having to face her every week, wondering what if i never bought my laptop round, what if i had listened more carefully...what if i had put up a fight over this gang show. But then i wonder with me working & living down in London and her refusal 2 leave the Peterborough area whether i have dodged a bullet and this happening in a few months/years time?

I have a graduate job with Thales starting in September and will be buying my own house in August, mortgage and all. I am about to take the biggest leap I ever have and I will be doing it on my own. I will land on my feet, i will meet someone down in London and i will look back on this and sigh with relief that it all fell apart now & not when i was living with her, when i didn't have my mates around me, and when i didn't have a life changing event on the horizon to look forward to and two lads holidays & visiting my parents in Italy to look forward to.

It is a long & soppy read, I don't expect anyone to read it all but wanted to write it all down and Hexus seemed as good a place as any! I have written it in the most even handed of ways so as not to blame her/make it one sided. We both made mistakes & both could have done more though hindsight is a funny thing.

One day I will look back and smile, and i know things will work out for me in the end, they always have & they always will but as for now, got a long few days ahead of me!

edit: I might PM a mod sometime next week for this thread to be deleted if that's alright. Once i have manned up & stopped feeling sorry for myself!

[Kata]

I read it all

I don;t have much to say, but it sounds like you've got exactly the right attitude; hang in there, and life will be better sooner than you think!

[TheAnimus]

Sounds like you dodged a bullet!

No offence to her, but anyone who decides its a 'good idea' to have a kid, or not realising they've missed one or two motions, yet doesn't respect someone who is trying to finish their degree and the like which make providing for the child a hell of a lot easier...... Yup.

Make sure when you agree maintenance, you get a decent share of your daughter and a good say in her upbringing

[peterb]

Nothing wrong with a little self pity and introspection. You have some new goals and challenges ahead of you, and what sounds like a lovely daughter with whom I hope you and your new partner (wherever she may be) will build up a good relationship as she grows up. Your ex sounds as if she is being reasonable about that.

So best of luck chap, and if or when you want this thread removed - just PM me!

[psu1]

Are you related to Saracen? (Long posts) lol

[Blaineoliver]

Wow you have had a tough all time there mate, she sounds like a bit of a ball buster, so would be hard to win arguements. Sometimes you cant win, i know personally i have to be in control and i dislike being wrong, so would clash with that personality. Hopefully you can move on and get things on track

[Andeh13]

Daughter wasn't planned though turned out to be blessing & i still adore her to bits. Admittedly we got back together the first time more because of her then anything, though we had some good times since then. She always agreed that my university work came first, but i would have liked her to have made more of an effort to visit me (i offered to pay the petrol, my flat mate/her god father was desperate to look after our daughter & letting us have a lie in/baby sit for us) and maybe have been a bit more patient with me especially as university stress & worry about not getting a graduate job (parents live abroad, no graduate job = nowhere to live) combined with father & worrying about her kept me fairly well tide.

I knew the song & dance production was going to be bad news, as much as i didn't want to stop her doing something she loved, deep down i knew it would put too much pressure on us. Stuck between arguing with her about it & risk loosing her, or letting her do the production & keeping my fingers crossed. Small blessing is at least it forced us apart now, rather then something else in later life when marriage & accommodation would come into play.

[format]

I have to agree with TheAnimus here... a lasting relationship IMO is all about give and take, and if you were constantly backing down and saying sorry then it was entirely unfair and unbalanced.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon - it's never easy finding out an ex has 'moved on' or whatever.

[shelley bda]

I read it all, and I think your writing down is your way of putting the end of the relationship to rest, t get it in context.... It must smart that she has found someone new but I do believe things happen for a reason.... Stay friends, make your baby the priorty.... Sounds like you were both under enormous pressure, she was having to cope with a new baby, and maybe resented you a little for not being there? I hope that doesn't sound harsh and it's not meant too.... But then you were gaining qualifications to make life better for your family, this is where men and women think differently I think, men sometimes feel they have to work so hard for their family, but the wife may feel that it's pointless if he can't be there to enjoy it too. All relationships need working on, and it can be hard, it's easy to get stuck in a rut with everyday things, we do sometimes forget we need to make an effort now and then....That works both ways.

Life will get easier for you hon, use the knowledge learnt this time around to enhance any future relationship you have

[pp05]

Andeh am sorry to hear about your seperation.

For what its worth man, I think it's her loss.

It's good you're both on good terms but start learning how the custody system works.

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

Did she have the child before or after she cheated on you?

PS:

Sorry if I am being a nosy git!

[Andeh13]

I do agree that every relationship needs some give & take, that was something i do genuinely feel was off between us. I gave too much, sometimes at the detriment of others (family, flatmate etc) who missed out on seeing our daughter.

Daughter is definitely mine, happened not long after the incident but she looks just like me & nothing like the other guy. I used to be able to read her (ex gf) like a book, flicker of the eye, hesitation in her voice and i could tell without doubt when she was hiding something so there is no doubt over my daughter. Hell, at the time i was frantically hoping she wasn't mine, but that all passed when she was born. When she split up with me it made me realise just how much we had drifted apart, once upon a time i would pick up on her thoughts within minutes of her thinking them and this time i missed everything.

Thanks for all the kind words though guys, do appreciate them!

[Phage]

That was not a long and soppy read at all. It was an intelligent expression of your feelings and where you are right now. I'm honoured that you allowed us to share it with you.

[Disturbedguy]

Read it all Andehh and I feel for you mate.

Sorry for thread hijack but im in a similar-ish situation (all though no kids involved).

Not long after me and the ex split up, we spoke and i found out she had been spending alot of time with a guy, I joked about him being her new fella, she promised to my face that she isnt and wouldnt be with this guy, I believed her because she told me she doesn't want kids and no matter what had happened I still loved/ love her and on top of that, the reason she gave me for breaking up was that she prefers friendship to a relationship and didnt want a relationship.

Now this week (Monday) I had a funny feeling, so I asked her if she was with this guy, she said yes and that felt like I had been stabbed in the guy. Why?

1) She is in a relationship after telling me to my face that she wasnt and wouldnt be with the guy and that she didnt want a relationship
2) The guy has two kids, something she always told me she doesn't want.

Now dont get me wrong, I know they had been spending a lot of time with each other and as I still trusted her, I still held out hope that we would get back together, I mean you cant just forget 4 and a half years right?

Oh how wrong was I!. What hurts the most is now the more I think about it, the more I realise there may have been something more going on. I found out that this guy and his missus had split up a while ago (before christmas, before our holiday in september/ october last year) and through speaking to my ex, I found that she had been thinking about ending the relationship before the holiday (again about when this guy would have been single), she works with the guy so see's him every day. So now I feel that maybe she had been "with" him so to speak since before we split up and that she was just waiting for the right time to finish me.

For a while things were a little off between us, but I put that down to her mum being off work with stress and eventually leaving the school she worked for, meaning my ex was helping to pay the bills and stuff, so thought that maybe she was getting stressed, i offered to help, but she would not accept it, being too proud.

I did try asking her what other stuff may have affected our relationship such as me not being able to drive, but she said it wasn't that. All through our time together if something was wrong I made it my point to find out and if it was something I was doing that I shouldnt have been, I corrected it, alas that now seems to be a waste.

So right now I feel as if I have been used, atleast for the last 5 or 6 months of our relationship. I am bothered that she is with this guy, whom I have met, but my issue is more that she lied to my face, now the stupid thing is, at the moment I still want her back and would jump at the chance, but at the same time don't.

During the time we werent together, I got quite close with a girl i used to talk to, flirting via text, in person over the phone etc, thinking we were getting somewhere, then suddenly she decides we are just mates, so that was a kick in the balls.

Right now I am a bit of a mess and dont really know how I will be from day to day and I am at the stage where I just want to lock myself away from everyone and everything.

[Phage]

DG - Don't do that. Locking yourself up will only make any negatives feel far worse. You should actually do the opposite. Go and do stuff you enjoy, that is in no way related to dating. Football ? Mates down the pub ? A giant barbecue and beer ? Frag Fest ? Music festival ?

You have to put the bitter thoughts to one side for your own health. Brooding is a very bad idea.

[Disturbedguy]

Indeed Phage, I did that when we first broke up, seemed to be getting somewhere then this happened, so now its a kind of "whats the point" attitude that I am in.

I play football monday after work and go gym with a lad from work.

I go out when mates can afford it, but dont drink so often feel a bit awkward lol. (trying to arrange next night out anyway).

Playing games atm just doesnt appeal to me, I start to play a game and last for about 30 minutes before I feel that there is just no point in it.

I am hoping I pass my driving test, I think that would be a welcomed boost.