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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #225
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    nah, that one would read:

    BRAVE BIKER BATTLES AFRICAN PAEDOPHILE TO SAVE GIRL

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    What's blue and doesn't fit?
    A dead epileptic

    (possibly a lil risky so I whited it out)
    H3XU5 Social FAQ
    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE -

    What do you expect from such simple creatures?
    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack.
    You can never be pregnant.
    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    The world is your urinal.
    You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
    You don ' t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
    People never stare at your chest when you ' re talking to them.
    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
    New shoes don ' t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    One mood all the time.
    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat..
    A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    Everything on your face stays its original colour.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    You only have to shave your face and neck.
    You can play with toys all your life.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    You can ' do ' your nails with a pocket knife.
    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
    No wonder men are happier.


    NICKNAMES

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

    EATING OUT

    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it ' s only for £32.50.
    None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY

    A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn ' t need but it ' s on sale.

    BATHROOMS

    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

    The average number of items in the typical woman ' s bathroom is 337.
    A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    CATS

    Women love cats.
    Men say they love cats, but when women aren ' t looking, men kick cats.

    FUTURE

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    SUCCESS

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    MARRIAGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn ' t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won ' t change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
    She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    A married man should forget his mistakes.
    There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Two really bad ones:

    A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps
    So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies"
    "Why? Am I Pregnant?"
    "no" the doctor replies, "you've got bowel Cancer"

    Patrick Swayze has agreed to star in the upcoming sequel 'Ghost 2'
    They start filming in about 5 weeks.........

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    What have Patrick Swayze and Stevie Wonder got in common?

    Neither will see Christmas
    H3XU5 Social FAQ
    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

  6. #230
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    The International Council of Man Laws.

    1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:


    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
    (d) When she is using her teeth.


    3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
    eaten by his friends.

    4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
    forever unless you actually marry her.

    5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
    However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
    In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that
    point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

    7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
    weakest.

    8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
    the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
    climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
    entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
    girlfriend.

    10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
    sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and
    only when it's free.

    11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
    kick another guy in the nuts.

    12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
    much as the other sports watchers.

    16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
    sober enough to fight.

    17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
    but not both, that's just greedy.

    18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
    his choice of beer.

    19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
    except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.,
    both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
    almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
    you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
    necessary.

    22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
    carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
    no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs
    about what a big mistake it was.

    23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
    to drive yours.

    24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
    orange or sky blue.

    25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
    with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of
    story.

    26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
    Ever.

    27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
    know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
    definition of each is listed below:

    * 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
    assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
    still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

    * 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
    perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the
    ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'


    I hope this clears up any confusion,
    The International Council of Man Laws
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  7. #231
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    should be in a dictionary.

    ADULT:
    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    BEAUTY PARLOR:
    A place where women curl up and dye.

    CANNIBAL:
    Someone who is fed up with people.

    CHICKENS:
    The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

    COMMITTEE:
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST:
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST:
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    HANDKERCHIEF:
    Cold Storage.

    INFLATION:
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    MOSQUITO:
    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    RAISIN:
    Grape with a sunburn.

    SECRET:
    Something you tell to one person at a time.

    SKELETON:
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

    TOOTHACHE:
    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW:
    One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

    YAWN:
    An honest opinion openly expressed.

    and MY Personal Favorite!!

    WRINKLES:
    Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  8. #232
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

    "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

    "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

    "Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

    "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

    "When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

    "They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

    "Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

    "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

    "Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

    "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

    "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

    "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

    Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?

    "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  9. #233
    Moderator chuckskull's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD View Post
    "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it
    Classic.

  10. #234
    Senior Member Workaholic's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    lol best joke so far here
    Woohoo now Assistant Manager!


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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Superb.

  12. #236
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Sith_Lords View Post
    Two really bad ones:

    A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps
    So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies"
    "Why? Am I Pregnant?"
    "no" the doctor replies, "you've got bowel Cancer"

    Patrick Swayze has agreed to star in the upcoming sequel 'Ghost 2'
    They start filming in about 5 weeks.........
    man thats cruel

  13. #237
    HEXUS.social member finlay666's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Are slightly racist ones (but not disparaging) good?

    (pun involving coloured/black as a reference to people in the joke)
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

  14. #238
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

    The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

    The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
    After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

    The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

    This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh!t on its head."
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  15. #239
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

    Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'

    'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

    'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'

    'Fook off you liar!'

    'I'll prove it,' Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of dem,Paddy?'


    'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by finlay666 View Post
    Nowhere bad as those JK Ferret (nearly called you Elyk )
    It happens. It's just easier for me to remember (I'm more JK Ferret/J K Ferret than Elyk, In fact, not Elyk at all anymore)

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