The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[samcross]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ****in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ****in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ****in’ French toast."
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A man meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar notes on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[Mblaster]

One winter morning at breakfast ...

Haha, topical.


I was woken early this morning by a door-to-door salesman.

Straight away he launched into his patter:
"Good morning, Sir, I'm from GardenRite accessories. Can I just say from the offset that I'm not selling anything. No, our representatives are in the area at this moment in time, and I noticed when passing that your garden gate is old and rusty, and hanging on one hinge. I'm delighted to tell you that we here at GardenRite are in a position to offer you a FREE, yes, that's right, free of charge top-of-the-range replacement gate at absolutely no cost to yourself!" -and handed me a catalogue of nice-looking garden gates.

"Hmm," I said, "Free gate. Where's the catch?"

"There isn't one!" he beamed.

"Not much ****ing use then, is it?" I said, and slammed the door.

[Behemoth]

Haha, topical.


I was woken early this morning by a door-to-door salesman.

Straight away he launched into his patter:
"Good morning, Sir, I'm from GardenRite accessories. Can I just say from the offset that I'm not selling anything. No, our representatives are in the area at this moment in time, and I noticed when passing that your garden gate is old and rusty, and hanging on one hinge. I'm delighted to tell you that we here at GardenRite are in a position to offer you a FREE, yes, that's right, free of charge top-of-the-range replacement gate at absolutely no cost to yourself!" -and handed me a catalogue of nice-looking garden gates.

"Hmm," I said, "Free gate. Where's the catch?"

"There isn't one!" he beamed.

"Not much ****ing use then, is it?" I said, and slammed the door.

Thats so bad it actually raised a smile here.

[Brucelles]

[chuckskull]

[Whiternoise]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

[schmunk]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

...

Next time you post a joke you might want to consider this...

[mycarsavw]

Next time you post a joke you might want to consider this...

He'd be better off considering this

(permalink seems to have ballsed up on yours - shows page 24 rather than page 60)

[schmunk]

He'd be better off considering this

(permalink seems to have ballsed up on yours - shows page 24 rather than page 60)

Aha - That's a problem with permalink - it IS page 24 for me, because I'm viewing with 40 posts per page...

[mycarsavw]

...and there's my new thing learnt for today

Permalink - useless

[0iD]

A Swede, an Irishman, and a Scotsman decided to take their wives with them To play a round of golf.
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, A gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?,' Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,' she replied.
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
So, Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's A 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over Her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where at friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and Says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb...tidy yerself up a bit.'

[Spiritinthesky]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'

[baius]

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'

That made me groan...

[schmunk]

That made me groan...

nut allergy?

[GoNz0]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.


Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'


The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.


Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'


The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'


Little Johnny raised his hand.


The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.


She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.


Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'


The teacher sat down and cried.

[Spiritinthesky]

After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.