The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[0iD]

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a Crap".

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "Get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit pleasuring myself. I asked why and she told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[0iD]

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN


1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as
Your OB /GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

_____________________________________________________

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last
Time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

__________________________________________ ____________

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
Discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

______________________________________________________

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper,
A frown--you pick up the baby

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
To wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to
Rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
You can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
Off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in..

______________________________________________________

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
Whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
Complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

_______________________________________________________

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,
Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

_____________________________ _________________________

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
You call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
Leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

______________________________________________________

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children

______________________________________________________

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

[0iD]

When you see a woman...

and want her badly...

please consider the following...





No matter how beautiful she is.....




No matter how sexy she is...




No matter how seductive she is...




No matter how cute and sweet she is ....




No matter how huge her boobs are...














er...sorry...I forgot what I was going to say…

[0iD]

A Pastor decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind' the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.


Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'

[Gerrard]

XKCD yet again.



It's certainly true for me!

[handscombmp]

Some of the worst jokes at this years Edinburgh Fringe.

I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad.

I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.

Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children.

She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging.

I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more....


And some of the best ones...

• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

• 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

[Brucelles]

My job is so ****ing unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup.
She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ****ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been straight anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22 or so.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ****ing dog to work.
Every ****ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry with the munchies, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single ****ing day.

Anyway, I drive these retards around in my van and we solve mysteries and stuff.

[Al19]

LMAO some of those are really good

[watercooled]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4S2Gu7ZDT0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ynfNfCqLlo
Sorry for going off the joke theme (well, with one anyway - but it's really funny!!)

[chuckskull]

[watercooled]

[shadowmaster]

My mate sent this to me and its supposedly real

[cmd]

Long, but funny:

-------------------------------
Jackass

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!

-------------------------------

a first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'JOHNNY, what's your
problem?'

JOHNNY answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took JOHNNY to the principal's
office.

While JOHNNY waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. JOHNNY was brought
in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

JOHNNY: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

JOHNNY: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think
JOHNNY can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.'

The principal and JOHNNY both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?' JOHNNY, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

JOHNNY replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

JOHNNY: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

JOHNNY: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, JOHNNY replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
JOHNNY: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

JOHNNY: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher
, "Put JOHNNY in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong."

[0iD]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
Vehicle..

From the Daily News comes this story of a couple who drove their
Car to Asda Supermarket, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
The car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
The chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
Turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
Put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
Staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

[Brucelles]

I found this really nice guide to Tattoo locations and what they say about the wearer.



I particularly like the small of the back tattoo caption "Yes, buying me a drink will totally work". Shame we didn't have many of these advertising hoardings when I was young, single, shallow and very horny.

[SiM]

Warning this has a couple of rude words in, but it is hilarious!
http://www.dontevenreply.com/