The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[Brucelles]

This doesn't work so well in written form, but I will try.

My mum used to teach a class of 13 year-olds history and current affairs. One thing she used to do to spark their interest was to make them research an historical or current real person they would like to have been. She found that by studying a person’s life they would discover facts about the country and times that person lived in.

When she did this for the last time, in 1997, she had several good examples. Little Johnny, for example, would like to have been Mohammed Ali. His original reasoning was that it would be great to be so strong and fast and to be able to beat up pretty much anyone, but he discovered Ali’s prison sentence for refusing to go to Viet Nam, his involvement in the civil rights movement and so much more about the great man and his times. My mum was both pleased and surprised.

Than little Alice had to give her speech. It was obvious that she had done far less research.

“I would like to be Sarah Pipellini” she said.

My mum had never heard of Sarah, so she asked Alice why?

Alice reached into her folder and pulled out a copy of Engineering Weekly, with the headline “Sahara Pipeline laid by 120 men in 22 days”

[chuckskull]

[shadowmaster]

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two loose women."

[baius]

Someone's signature, on another forum:

They say that if you play a Windows install CD backwards you can hear Satanic messages. That's nothing, play it forward and it installs Windows.

[SiM]

You will crap your pants.

(Rephrased caption from bottom of pic which contained the "S" word)

[nick1]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do'

[0iD]

LARRY is in Room 232 at the hospital.

Okay, you are asking - who the hell is 'Larry'?

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?, she said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

Well for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

[matty-hodgson]

mum and son are walking through the park, two teenagers are making love on the grass, the boy says "mum, what are they doing?" mum replys "they're baking cakes hun" next morning the boy runs into his mum and dad's room and says "mum, you and dad were baking cakes on the sofa yesterday weren't you?" mum replys "how do you know?" boy replies, "well, i licked the icing sugar off the sofa.."

[0iD]

Time Sheets

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting



Attached: Extended Job-Code List
. . . . . . .

Code Description
****************
5316 - Useless Meeting
5317 - Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 - Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 - Waiting for Break
5320 - Waiting for Lunch
5321 - Waiting for End of Day
5322 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co worker
5323 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co worker While Co worker is Not Present
5393 - Covering for Incompetence of Co worker Friend
5400 - Trying to Explain Concept to Co worker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 - Trying to Explain Concept to Co worker Who is Stupid
5402 - Trying to Explain Concept to Co worker Who Hates You
5481 - Buying Snack
5482 - Eating Snack
5500 - Filling Out Timesheet
5501 - Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 - Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 - Scratching Yourself
5504 - Sleeping
5510 - Feeling Bored
5511 - Feeling Horny
5600 - Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 - Complaining About Low Pay
5602 - Complaining About Long Hours
5603 - Complaining About Co worker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 - Complaining About Boss
5605 - Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 - Not Actually Present At Job
5702 - Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 - Ordering Out
6103 - Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 - Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 - Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 - Stealing Company Goods
6202 - Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 - Hiding from Boss
6206 - Gossip
6207 - Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 - Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 - Updating Resume
6212 - Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Head hunter
6213 - Out of Office on Interview
6221 - Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 - Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 - Pretending You Like Co worker
6224 - Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks
6238 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 - Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 - Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 - Complaining
6603 - Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 - Staring Into Space
6612 - Staring At Computer Screen
6615 - Transcendental Meditation
6969 - Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 - Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 - Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 - Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 - Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 - Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 - Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 - Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 - Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 - Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 - Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 - Asking Co worker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 - Recreational Drug Use
8001 - Non-Recreational Drug Use
8002 - Liquid Lunch
8100 - Reading e-mail
8102 - Laughing while reading e-mail

[SiM]

This is great! lol.

The way girls are

Warning: has a 1 sec of side cleavage in, so not safe for work

[SiM]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=639y7fweUBg

[staffsMike]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=639y7fweUBg

Brilliant

[0iD]

So much FAIL! in one vid

And before anyone moans that this isn't a dodgy joke, it passes on the grounds it's sooo damned funny

[0iD]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, " Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, " Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[sleepyhead]

The Expert.



A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his animals in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the Jackeroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackeroo.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Jackeroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows . This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

___________________

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her Behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[Salazaar]

Topical humour...