The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[NealZR]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[NealZR]

Women are earning more than men in some public sector organisations - but only in the lower-paid grades, according to new research by the BBC.

Female clerical and admin staff are taking home bigger salaries than their male colleagues in 14 out of 17 public sector bodies which responded to a Freedom of Information (FOI) request about pay.

Figures showed that, on average, women in these grades were earning up to £350 a year more than men.

But higher up the career ladder it's a more familiar story, with male earnings outstripping females' and men outnumbering women in the senior management roles.

full news on bbc news

[chuckskull]

A just-turned-sixty and slightly greying man walked into an exquisite jewellery store one Friday evening with a gorgeous, bosomy, young woman at his side. She was stunningly beautiful.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend, so the jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000.00 ring.
The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something much more special than that!”
At that statement, the jeweller went to the safe and pulled out his special stock, and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000,” the jeweller said.

The young woman’s eyes sparkled and her whole body began to tremble with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take that one.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “I’ll pay by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque will clear, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds, then we’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and informed him, “Sir, there’s insufficient funds in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend...”

[dave87]

A husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[Gerrard]

XKCD strikes again.

[baius]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=639y7fweUBg

"We must stop little baby."

[0iD]

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for he first time, the proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you w ill have to wait until next pay day' boy says 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'



Bloke shagging his girlfriend says' Bend over we'll try the social security position' ' What the hell is that ?' she says ' When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit'



Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.


What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? .
The wife

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your ****ing mates with you'



I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.


I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a small girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls, I said ' you will have baby dolls if you do that' she said 'It's OK he's doing it up her arse'


Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't muck about at the crematorium . '


A friend of mine says he is shagging twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' he said ' Her brother has got a moustache ?


Hubby has ' I love you' tatooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'


A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted ' He's behind you !'


Bored on your way to work? On the bus, tube or train? Pretend you are on the phone, talk about your 4 week holiday in Mexico . Hang up and then sneeze.

[0iD]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

[glutamate]

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'


Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'


Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Gah, feminism.

[0iD]

[chuckskull]

[watercooled]

Sorry for commenting but
Failblog is good though!

[finlay666]

Ahahaha I keep seeing 'posers' in Reading that can't smoke properly, makes me want to make them forcibly inhale the things

[handscombmp]

Aircraft passangers - Also know as self loading frieght


I work at a McDonald's and a woman came in and ordered... 2 Big Mac meals - extra large, for herself - but hold the mayo because she was on a diet.


Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers around the world.

=============================================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=============================================


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

==============================================


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

==============================================


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
fokker in sight."

[0iD]

A Jewish congregation in suburban Boston honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.


When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you."


The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Templeand shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking?

Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

(Apologies if this offends our Jewish readership)

[shadowmaster]

A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Steinberg, no mattah...all same!"