The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[Behemoth]

Probably an old one, or has been posted before, but here it goes anyway.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is a computer?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited
a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

[Dareos]

My girlfriend recently found out she was adopted, went through the agencies and attempted to find her real parents but there was a blocking order on it, and she never found out

So, she comes to me in tears and of course i comfort her, and later that night we made sweet sweet love...

and then she started crying again



In retrospect, taking her from behing, slapping her arse and shouting WHO'S YOUR DADDY? might not have been the best thing to do....

[0iD]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep. ... . ... . ..





"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box dear."

[Prime]

Girlfriends!
to control my short fuse my girlfriend recently bought me a mood ring, its actually quite good, we found that when im calm and relaxed it turns green, and when im angry it leaves a big red mark on her forehead!

My girlfriend used to embarrass me in social situations calling me by pet names like Snugglebear, Hunnybunny and Cutiepie!
she has now stopped since i started doing the same to her! - anyway i've gotta keep this post short as Bucketc*nt has just put my dinner out.


*apologies if this is indeed over the line!*

[TAKTAK]

HADOUKEN!

[TAKTAK]

Things that make you go, "Hmmm"

[dave87]

Bless You....



After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph..

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[matty-hodgson]

what do ya call a Russian with 3 balls? - who'd-ya-nick-a-bollock-off?

why did the mushroom go to the party? - cos he was a funguy

what's pink and turns red at the touch of a button? - a baby in a blender

what's brown and sticky? - a stick

what do call a boomerang that won't come back? - a stick

what do ya call a deer with no eyes? - no eye deer. what do ya call a deer with no eyes and no legs? - still no eye deer. what do ya call a dear with no eyes, no legs and on fire? - still flaming no eye deer.

[Prime]

A man in the market shouting:
"Blow up dolls for £40!!"
a guy says to him
"i bought one here yesterday and it went down on me!"
the stall owner looks back at the crowd and shouts:
"Blow up dolls now £80!!"

[Prime]

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me? I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said: ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
followed by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

B0llock naked

[Behemoth]

Q) What do you call 2 chavs on a bike ?

A) Organised crime.

Q) Why must you becareful not to knock those chavs on the bike over ?

A) It might be your bike.

Q) 3 Chavs in a Nova, driving off the edge of a cliff. Why is that a shame ?

A) Well a Nova does seat 4.

Q) Whats the difference between a chav and a coconut ?

A) One is thick and hairy, the other is just a coconut.

Q) How do you get 300 chavs into a phone box ?

A) Paint 3 stripes on it

[Brucelles]

Why I Had To Change Hotels

Last week I checked into my hotel in Paris and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman said...God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated, I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

She said, "That sounds fantastic, sir, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[watforddude]

The worst joke you will hear in your life




Why did the hedgehog cross the road?














To see his flatmate

har har har

[dave87]

Subject: A simple illustration

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers
that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were
many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The
man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers
stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed
the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again the supply
diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce
it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man then announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However,
since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on
his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look
at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will
sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell
them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys
for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant=again, only lots
and lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL
STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!

[dave87]

2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony - The Plan! (so far)



Now that the Chinese Olympics are over, we are working on London 's 2012 opening ceremony. It will be a celebration of 'Britishness', and this is how the plan looks so far:



First there'll be a bumper display of sparklers (made in Indonesia), followed by communal singing of We'll Meet Again while a Lancaster bomber drops gift vouchers donated by The Best of British Tattoo and Body Piercing Confederation.



This will be followed by a giant laser display (made in Taiwan) showing live interviews with dysfunctional families, and ending with the best bits from On The B uses and Only Fools and Horses.



Next, to celebrate New Labour's legacy on crime and education, a crowd of yobs and hooligans in tracksuit trousers (made in Indonesia) football shirts (made in Algeria) and baseball caps (made in Vietnam) will maraud through the stadium drinking from cans of Australian lager (brewed in Belgium). They will then create a random collage with empty cans, bottles, fag packets, and polystyrene curry containers.





At this point thousands of school-leavers with at least five A* A-levels, (celebrating New Labour's ever-improving A-level record) will spring from wheelie bins and organise themselves to spell out 'wellcum to grate briten and the 2012 olimpic gaims and stuff'. The yobs will then kick the wheelie bins over and stab each other. A fleet of NHS ambulances (made surprisingly in Gt.Britain ) and nurses (from all sorts of places) will enter the stadium over a series of speed bumps (made in Hong Kong ) and celebrate New Labour's legacy on hospital hygiene by initiating 'synchronised cross-infection' - an exciting new sport for the 2012 games.



This will take proceedings to the boring bit where all the teams parade into the stadium, trying to avoid the broken glass, chewing gum, beer cans and bits of leftover kebab from the night before.



Once all the athletes are congregated, the sole remaining Red Arrows aircraft (borrowed from Bahrain) will take off from Gatwick (owned by a Spanish company) and fly over the stadium as a symbolic dove, switching on lights (made in Japan) illuminating the sponsors' (Santander Bank, Spain. TATA Motors, India . EDF Energy , France ) sponsor's banners (made in China) will also appear around the stadium .



Then it'll be time to light the flame (made in Poland ). Another giant laser display (from a projector made in Cambodia) will advertise Carol Vorderman's latest book, Carol Vorderman - Olympic Flame Lighting Expert (printed in Brazil and bound in South Africa) - she will then emerge from a replica Big Brother house (made in Germany) with a box of matches (made in India) and light the gas (supplied from Russia).



At this point a local water company (owned by a mixed bag of foreigners from some distant land) will trigger a massive burst to extinguish the flame, as it has been branded a safety hazard by the Health & Safety Commission.



Under cover of darkness several thousand new graduates will appear and spell out 'we know deecler the 2012 olimpic gayms on and everything like'. Then there'll be some more sparklers.



And thus, the 2012 London Olympics will be opened as the audience, suffering from hypothermia, tries to take flash photographs in horizontal rain (a truly Great British display) from a range of 500 yards.



I am now looking at the security requirements in the light of 100,000 policemen deployed in Beijing. Tessa Jowell, our Olympics Minister, says our security needs to be discreet so we will probably recommend deployment of only 50,000. Having spent £400,000 on the olympics logo I feel sure that Minister. Jowell will not wish to penny-pinch on the security budget?

[chuckskull]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wr8y9BVP2e0

Not really a joke, but I was wetting myself.