The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[0iD]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.. (allegedly)

[Dareos]

hm, rather different ending to the one i remember from years ago when i first saw that

[Dingo]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend? To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

There's no charge,' she says.

No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'







"So I just switched the heads.'

[0iD]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

HERB'S WINKY....

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is ... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'

[0iD]

Great Spike Milligan Quotes

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

I speak Esperanto like a native.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

(French Translation) - Apéritif: a set of dentures.

I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.

I told you I was ill!

[Gerrard]

Todays XKCD offering: -

[mike_w]

One day, I got into the taxi and asked the driver to take me to the train station. We set off, and after a few minutes, I decided to ask the driver how long the journey was going to take. No sooner had I tapped him on the shoulder than he suddenly lost control of the taxi. We swerved from side to side, the car lurched onto the pavement, and came to a screeching halt just short of a lamp post.

The driver breathlessly said, "I'm so sorry, that was all my fault!"

I replied, "Sorry, I shouldn't have startled you like that. Although to be honest, I wasn't expecting such a reaction just from tapping you on the shoulder."

"Ah," the driver said. "Today's the first day I've been driving a taxi, but for the past thirty years, I drove a hearse."

[0iD]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!'

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her butt crack, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

[Georgy291]

once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'will you marry me?' the girl said: 'no!'

and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her butt crack, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

huh?

[mycarsavw]

huh?

Wait 'til you get married buddy, it'll all make sense

[0iD]

wait 'til you get married buddy, it'll all make sense

qft!

[j.o.s.h.1408]

Wait 'til you get married buddy, it'll all make sense

spot on

[Syllopsium]

huh?

It'll make sense after seeing how other people change in relationships. Hopefully you won't have to learn this the hard way.

PK

[Georgy291]

tbh guys now that off my friends just come back from his honeymoon i see exactly what you mean

[0iD]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Behemoth]

A man is sitting in a pub having a quiet drink when a prostitute sits next to him and says :

"I'll do anything you want for £3 pounds, but the trick is you have to tell me what you want me to do using only three words" She says

He Smiles, lines up three £1 coins and says really slowly "Paint . . . . . My . . . . . House"