The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[david_graham]

I went shopping the other day to get some camouflage trousers but I couldn't find them anywhere.

[0iD]

Dear Steve:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I'm 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors

I hope this helps,

Steve

[0iD]

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'


Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'


Wife: 'Yes or no.'


----------------------------------------------------------


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'


Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'


Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'


Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


----------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'


Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'


Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


----------------------------------------------------------


Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'


Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'


Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'


'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.


The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'


He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
----------------------------------------------------------
Wife: 'What are you doing?'


Husband: Nothing.


Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'


Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

[0iD]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.



Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[0iD]

A woman standing nude in front of the bedroom mirror says to her husband, "I look horrible, fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!".

Her husband then replies, "Your eyesight is spot on"

[0iD]

Men's Rules for Women
* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

* Good things we can help with with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* No, you can't have the remote control.

* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

[0iD]

This was (allegedly) sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.... yeah....right....


([Alleged] Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[watercooled]

As some of you might have seen on top gear:

[0iD]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[0iD]

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A: She gagged.

[Brucelles]

My sister was at her hairdresser's getting her hair done for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, hot and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying Alitalia," replied my sister "We got a great rate!"

"Alitalia?" exclaimed the hairdresser. That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Teste."

"Say no more. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump and the river stinks."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"No chance," laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Well, good luck on this rubbish trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month or so later, my sister again went in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

My sister’s a bit of a bitch, but when you’re at the hairdresser you talk, apparently. "It was wonderful," she explained, "not only were we on time in one of Alitalia’s brand new 777s, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a €5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their Berlusconi suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f***ed up your hair like that?"

[0iD]

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And, by the way" the blonde added, "It's a Lexus, not a Porch".

[0iD]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Dareos]

Guy gets pulled over by the cops and accused of being over the limit.

"what gave it away officer, was my driving erratic?"

to which the cop replied

"no sir, your driving was exemplary, it was the fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that gave it away"

[finlay666]

http://myparentsjoinedfacebook.com/

[NealZR]

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) The condor

B) The buzzard

C) The cuckoo

D) The vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because....Well, her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast... She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that
her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded
with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant.

'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.