The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[GhostITM]

What makes these jokes the most funny is you are all writing them yourselves, and deffo not using the copy and paste function to fill the thread with boarderline racist stuff, and jokes recycled from the other dodgy jokes thread.

Keep it up chaps.

[shadowmaster]

Image removed so replaced with a joke-

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

[Brucelles]

This is for my new home country; La Belle France.

L'Histoire des Guerres Francaises

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates the First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken teenage boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fräulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Paris has a forest of limbs in the air; men's arms and women's legs. Germans welcomed into Paris by the Mayor: "A table for 14,000? Certainly sir, goose-step this way." Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. Starts to serve Freedom Fries in Paris.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times there's no fight left in them.

---

EDIT: Regardless of the lampoons, they'll always rule in the wine, bread, and sauce domains. Though they have as much of a clue about rock music as Genghis Khan did about knitting.

[Brucelles]

This isn't dodgy, and I unashamedly ripped it off from a rock music forum, but I love it. It's .......

The Blues


1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning ..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Starbuck's
b. gallery openings
c. Loughborough University
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you once were blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a final salary linked pension or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Starbuck's Skinny Latte

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Women named Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. ('cepting perhaps if they had a leg chomped off by a alligator)

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well,maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.com.

[Brucelles]

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out his best friend was banging his wife.

[Brucelles]

I had to look this up last night, so I thought I would post it here. It is very rude; a parental advisory would be well understatement.

Derek and Clive Live - Jump

[mike_w]

those computer jokes are dreadful

Speaking of computers... there were a couple of excellent April Fools RFCs:

http://tools.ietf.org/html/rfc5513
http://tools.ietf.org/html/rfc5514

[Mblaster]

"UK Students Die In Safari Crash." I bet they wished they'd just stuck with Internet Explorer now.

[0iD]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.

It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring Judas?"
"The DRUG SQUAD.... EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!!

[Whiternoise]

Haha i really wasn't expecting that one

[Georgy291]

sorry for the reference have a look at these pics they are worth it

http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums...d.php?t=147418

[Dareos]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SXNAtwYMBw

last few seconds not entirely safe for work, you have been warned.

[Brucelles]

this is brilliant F....my life

Here's an example, or two:

Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML

Today, I was at the gynocologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML

[sleepyhead]

Spring is here and our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a spring morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember, however, it is a bit early in the year for a swallow…

[Stringent]

Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.. An embarrassing by product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . .. . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . .. . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[GoNz0]

Phil the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Phil kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time
so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Phil could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the
porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to
the bells.

Farmer Phil's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine
specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Phil noticed
old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!


Phil went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would
run for cover. But to farmer Phil amazement, Gordon had his bell
in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do
the business and walk on to the next one.

Phil was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks
County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the
judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a
pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention..

Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?