The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[sleepyhead]

Jewish Orgasm

No matter what Moshe did in bed his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love, It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:


'you see, you schmuck,' THAT'S' how you wave a towel!'

__________________________________________________

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest
slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman
from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to
hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did my
son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with
sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes
twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in
great danger. But I can understand how two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven my son.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do
have one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?

[dave87]

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy....
A man only needs to be:



1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chief
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes






HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer

[chuckskull]

[GoNz0]

A man had two of the best seats at the FA Cup final.



As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty."



"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"



He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."



"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head...





"No. They're all at the funeral."

[dave87]

Suppose that every day ten men go for beer & the bill for all ten comes to £100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes it would go something like this The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day & seemed quite happy with the arrangement until one day, the owner threw them a curve.
'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers?
How could they divide the £20 windfall so everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everyone's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount & he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay £5 instead of £7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before.
And the first four continued to drink for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a pound out of the £20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got £10!'

'Yes, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a pound, too.
It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did'

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get £10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him.
But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.
They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works.
The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier and weather is nicer.

[Georgy291]

whats brown and sticky?

a stick

whats green and smells like yellow paint?

green paint




atleast i typed my joke not copied

[finlay666]

Whats black and runny?

Usain Bolt.

[GoNz0]

whats brown and sticky?

a stick

whats green and smells like yellow paint?

green paint




atleast i typed my joke not copied

shame its a repost

[dave87]

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.


The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.


Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

[badass]

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.


The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.


Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

The First has the owner paying £20 ish per month in insurance or serveral thousand pounds for the operation. The second would have got a better service if they had paid medical insurance or were willing to pay several thousand pounds for an operation

[dave87]

The First has the owner paying £20 ish per month in insurance or serveral thousand pounds for the operation. The second would have got a better service if they had paid medical insurance or were willing to pay several thousand pounds for an operation

At the risk of too much talking - I agree. Private medical is worth its weight in gold, if not platinum or [insert precious item here].

[0iD]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down, then wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.

[mycarsavw]

Whats black and runny?

Usain Bolt.

http://forums.hexus.net/general-disc...ml#post1661886



<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a *swear* impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

[dave87]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel.



They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.
















If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

[handscombmp]

This was copied from a newsgroup posting. The author is responding to
a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee and then
just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the
toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of
toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling
'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down
and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and
either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet
because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my
sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a
classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real
problem, and you ladies need to be understanding.

It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with
two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you
could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you
can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim,
well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over
the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have
to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try
to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're
newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this)
you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to
stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy
starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes
flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not
lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy; it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I
told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told
you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent
under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all
over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down
under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the
bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you
keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over
the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect
balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get
all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

[Stringent]

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love
this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________