The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[TAKTAK]

[GoNz0]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he
had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She
finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced al l over the room by the
energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is
the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several
minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....




Four-sprung
Duck technique

[GoNz0]

checked to see if it was in the forum swear filter 1st

[handscombmp]

Ghost Poo:

You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the

toilet. Where is it?



Teflon Poo:

So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the

toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.



Goo Poo:

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you

still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your

underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the

toilet.



Second Thoughts Poo:

You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...

there's more to come.



Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:

This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out

until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.



Weight Watchers Poo:

You poo so much you lose several pounds.



Right Now Poo:

You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to

get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your

pants down.



King Kong Poo:

This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you

break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.

This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.



Cork Poo:

Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,

floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?



Wet Cheeks Poo:

This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the

launching of the QE2

[Mblaster]

A man goes to a pet shop, and says he wants to buy an exotic pet. "Oh, yes, sir," says the pet shop owner, "I have just the thing. I got a shipment in last week. Have you ever considered owning a llama?"

"No, I can't say that I have," says the man. The pet shop owner takes him through to the back shop and shows him a couple of llamas, whilst extolling their virtues.

Eventually the man buys a llama and takes it home. He sets aside his front room, fills it with hay, lets the llama settle in and then retires to bed.

The next morning, he wakes up to the sun shining in his window. He skips down the stairs, whistling a merry tune, to say hello to his new llama and have a hearty breakfast. He is shocked to find the door ajar, and a trail of blood in his hallway. He opens the door to the llama's room, and finds its dismembered corpse in the middle of the room, its mouth fixed in a silent scream, all its legs removed.

He goes back to the pet shop, and says to the owner "you'll never guess what happened to that llama..." The pet shop owner says "oh, no! Don't say another word! I was afraid this might happen... look, here you go. Have another llama. On the house."

The man takes the next llama home. He beds it down in his newly scrubbed front room, goes to bed, comes down for breakfast the next day and finds the same thing - his llama lying in the middle of the floor in a pool of blood, its legs chopped off. He follows the trail of blood out of his front door and down the garden path, then gives up and goes back to the pet shop.

[This is where the joke can be extended to an insane degree - every time it happens, he follows the trail of blood a little bit further, then gives up and goes back to the pet shop and gets another llama.]

Eventually, the man finds the legless body of his 31st llama in his front room. He follows the trail of blood along his hallway, out of the front door, down the garden path, along the pavement, up the wooded path, across the moor, over the rickety bridge, up the deserted hillside and up the gravel path to the ghostly castle. He pushes the cast-iron gate open and follows the trail of blood through the dining room to the spiral staircase, up seven flights of stairs and into the room at the top of the tower.

He pushes open the door, and his jaw drops open. The room has no glass in any of the windows, and the icy wind howls through the room. The floor is matted straw caked with dried blood. Hung from every wall, suspended from the roof, nailed to the four-poster bed, hundreds of llama's legs. In the middle of the room stands a dwarf, eyes wide and staring, splattered with blood (both stale and fresh), a chipped and stained axe hanging limply from his hand as he sways gently back and forth on his heels.

"Did you kill my llamas?" says the man.

"No," says the dwarf.

sorry...

[AD-15]

eh?

[sleepyhead]

One morning a Scotsman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread?'

Scotsman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Scotsman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'

Scotsman: 'Of course.'

Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.'

After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

[JK Ferret]

A man goes to a pet shop, and says he wants to buy an exotic pet...

eh?

I know a joke that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.
I know a joke that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves...

I know a similar one, cba to post it though

[finlay666]

I know a joke that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.
I know a joke that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves...

D

It's meant to be a song...and sung....

[Allen]

It's meant to be a song...and sung....

Although probably not the first, he definitely had the voice for it!

[handscombmp]

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Crap! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"


If Operating Systems Were Airlines
It's old but heh!

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants couteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but _all_ of them believe they arrived.




At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the

computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull ove r to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protect ion fault" warning light.

8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

[dave87]

A Bash classic...


<Batty> Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
<zeep> rapc?
<Batty> ...
<Batty> Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep> oic
<Batty> Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep> wtf is erap?
* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

[JK Ferret]

Earlier, I was thinking about getting a cheap flight to Mexico with Thomas Cook. Trouble is, it's a swine to get to.
----------------------------------------
I was worried earlier. I woke up to find myself covered in a horrible rasher...

[santa claus]

a man goes to a pet shop, and says he wants to buy an exotic pet. "oh, yes, sir," says the pet shop owner, "i have just the thing. I got a shipment in last week. Have you ever considered owning a llama?"

"no, i can't say that i have," says the man. The pet shop owner takes him through to the back shop and shows him a couple of llamas, whilst extolling their virtues.

Eventually the man buys a llama and takes it home. He sets aside his front room, fills it with hay, lets the llama settle in and then retires to bed.

The next morning, he wakes up to the sun shining in his window. He skips down the stairs, whistling a merry tune, to say hello to his new llama and have a hearty breakfast. He is shocked to find the door ajar, and a trail of blood in his hallway. He opens the door to the llama's room, and finds its dismembered corpse in the middle of the room, its mouth fixed in a silent scream, all its legs removed.

He goes back to the pet shop, and says to the owner "you'll never guess what happened to that llama..." the pet shop owner says "oh, no! Don't say another word! I was afraid this might happen... Look, here you go. Have another llama. On the house."

the man takes the next llama home. He beds it down in his newly scrubbed front room, goes to bed, comes down for breakfast the next day and finds the same thing - his llama lying in the middle of the floor in a pool of blood, its legs chopped off. He follows the trail of blood out of his front door and down the garden path, then gives up and goes back to the pet shop.

[this is where the joke can be extended to an insane degree - every time it happens, he follows the trail of blood a little bit further, then gives up and goes back to the pet shop and gets another llama.]

eventually, the man finds the legless body of his 31st llama in his front room. He follows the trail of blood along his hallway, out of the front door, down the garden path, along the pavement, up the wooded path, across the moor, over the rickety bridge, up the deserted hillside and up the gravel path to the ghostly castle. He pushes the cast-iron gate open and follows the trail of blood through the dining room to the spiral staircase, up seven flights of stairs and into the room at the top of the tower.

He pushes open the door, and his jaw drops open. The room has no glass in any of the windows, and the icy wind howls through the room. The floor is matted straw caked with dried blood. Hung from every wall, suspended from the roof, nailed to the four-poster bed, hundreds of llama's legs. In the middle of the room stands a dwarf, eyes wide and staring, splattered with blood (both stale and fresh), a chipped and stained axe hanging limply from his hand as he sways gently back and forth on his heels.

"did you kill my llamas?" says the man.

"no," says the dwarf.

roar!

[chuckskull]

More Bash.org;

<stuberg> we got home from fishos at about 3 am drank as *oops*
<stuberg> drunk*
<stuberg> and decided to have this mass acid/shrooms binge
<stuberg> and we kept goin all mornin on it like trippin out crazy and watching some chinese subtitle moviee
<stuberg> and at about 8.30 in the mornign paulie decides he has to go to school and he actually left and walked to school
<pualat> ur friend went school on an acid/mushies trip nice
<stuberg> no no u dont get it, hes 24 and owns his own business hes not sposed to go to school

[Brucelles]

A bloke’s wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the settee. At strategic moments she crosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says, ”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”

“Yes,” she answers.
“Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee.”