The all new 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread 09' ... with knobs on!

[Zak33]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse , darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'

[RockGod117]

19 irish men go to the cinema. The ticket lady says
"why so many of you?"
Paddy replies
"the film said over 18 only!"

[TAKTAK]

Conversation on MSN:

Ross: wouldnt it be great to see a cat go woof?

[ TAKTAK ]: yes 100% yes

Ross: pour some petrol on it and set it alight then it goes WOOOF!

[Georgy291]

how do you make a dog go meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww?


tie it to a F1 car and watch it go past

[Allen]

The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'in my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch.'

[Whiternoise]

http://www.google.com/search?q=client%2Fserver+database

Taken from a mindf*** picture. Just look at the results (note this is a completely clean google search but the top result is a bit unexpected!).

Should be SFW (though not for kids!), it's only a text search after all

[JK Ferret]

You do know that Google is a liitle bit... wrong in the CPU, right?

One of my friend's children did a search for "Star Wars Clones killing Jedis", and it came up with a suggestion... (and this is not a parody page, try a google search of it yourself)

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en...meta=&aq=f&oq=

[Brucelles]

How a marriage works!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar....you know.....they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ****ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't ****ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'


..........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

[Brucelles]

This one's kind of old, but worth re-working, given the recent news.

The SAS, the Army and the Police decide to have a contest to see who is the best. On the agreed day they all meet up at an Army training ground in the Brecons. First up is the SAS, who are told to catch a rabbit and bring it back to the instructor.

Dressed head to toe in black five SAS men creep off into the woods and ten minutes later there’s a soft “phut”of a silenced pistol and they emerge clutching one plump dead rabbit.

“Excellent,” smiles the instructor. “Now for the Army”

Fifty regular squaddies get kitted up, covered in camouflage and charge, screaming blue murder, into the woods. For an hour there’s mayhem, explosions, shouts and screams and eventually the boys emerge, sweating, bleeding and exhausted, clutching one bloodied, muddy but very dead rabbit.

“Not bad,” says the instructor. “A little noisy and slow but they achieved their target. Now for the Police”

A line of constables saunters, whistling softly into the woods and there’s silence. Nothing happens beyond the odd snatch of radio conversation: “Charlie Tango… suspect heading your way….” and so on until five whole hours later they emerge, looking sheepish, clutching a squirrel. The instructor is furious:

“What kind of rabbit is that you idiots? It’s a ****in’ SQUIRREL, that’s what it is! Get back in there and catch me a rabbit!”

Many hours pass and just as the rest of the contestants are beginning to drift off home the Police emerge again, still holding the same squirrel who is now looking badly beaten with a black eye and a bloody nose. Once again the instructor is furious and berates them “What the hell are you doing? I told you to get me a rabbit and you brought me this squirrel! What’s going on here?”

One of the Police officers nudges the squirrel who flinches, looks up and mutters: “Okay… okay…. I’m a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.....!"

[watercooled]

Not really a joke but a funny error:

[Whiternoise]

16 reasons why God would never get tenure

1. He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no references.
4. And it was not published in a refereed journal.
5. And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
13. He has his son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.

==================

A party of physicists

One day, all of the world’s famous physicists decided to get together for a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests…

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn’t invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere’s opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla’s magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Oppenheimer got bombed.

[TAKTAK]

Prove me wrong...

[finlay666]

http://www.somalicruises.com/

Anyone fancy going on a cruise, the rates seem reasonable

[Whiternoise]

Simple - you're assuming that the rod is completely incompressible. This is impossible

When you bang the rod, or when you bang/hit/tap anything, what you're actually doing is sending compression waves through the material - this transfer of "information" cannot travel faster than the speed of light. What would happen is you'd whack the end of the rod, the waves would travel down it and a long, long time later (the wave will travel at the speed of sound in that material - which is usually a LOT less than c) the other end would move (assuming the material didn't - more likely - just dissipate all your energy as heat before it got there).

This is like the argument about superluminal scissors: http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physic.../scissors.html

Again, with the circular motion argument:

14. The Moon revolves round my head faster than light!

Stand up in a clear space and spin round. It is not too difficult to turn at one revolution each two seconds. Suppose the Moon is on the horizon. How fast is it spinning round your head? It is about 385,000 km away, so the answer is 1.21 million km/s, which is more than four times the speed of light! It might sound ridiculous to say that the Moon is going round your head when really it is you who is turning, but according to general relativity all co-ordinate systems are equally valid, including rotating ones. So isn't the Moon going faster than the speed of light? This is quite difficult to account for.

What it comes down to is the fact that velocities in different places cannot be compared directly in general relativity. Notice that the Moon is not overtaking any light in its own locality. The speed of the Moon can only be compared to the speeds of other objects in its own local inertial frame. Indeed, the concept of speed is not a very useful one in general relativity, and this makes it difficult to define what "faster than light" means. Even the statement that "the speed of light is constant" is open to interpretation in general relativity. Einstein himself, on page 76 of his book "Relativity: the Special and the General Theory", wrote that the statement cannot claim unlimited validity. When there is no absolute definition of time and distance it is not so clear how speeds should be determined.

Nevertheless, the modern interpretation is that the speed of light is constant in general relativity and this statement is a tautology given that standard units of distance and time are tied together using the speed of light. The Moon is given to be moving slower than light because it remains within the "future light cone" propagating from its position at any instant.

This is one of Einstein's more well known gedankenexperiments...

========

But enough science, back to the funny!

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man smiled at the frog. “I’m a mathematics grad student. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool.”

[dave87]

New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoorcooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes desert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. he thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[GoNz0]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'



The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bike!