The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[handscombmp]

May just be me that finds these funny but hey...

The sad thing is i feel some of them are true

LETTER FROM A RETIRED AIRLINE PILOT TO HIS PEERS:
Here is a home study simulator course for those who still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline flying. That "Romance and Adventure" will all come back to you if you follow the steps of this "practice trip" at home:

1. Stay out of bed all night.

2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet, for nine or ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck.

3. Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist.

4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying an eastbound flight into the sunrise.

5. Have bland overcooked food served on a tray midway through the night.

6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time. Ask your spouse to slam the door frequently.

7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.

8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten hours, turn on your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and "rain" for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car.

9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room.

10. When your spouse inquires, "Just what in the hell have you been doing?" just say, "Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places." as you collapse into bed.

11. If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, and do this two nights in a row.

[sleepyhead]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball, the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[mediaboy]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert! After dinner, you are going to
go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. And tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The ****in' funeral director would be my first guess.'


I so blatantly did not steal this from the guy that didn't get that jokes go on this thread....

[JK Ferret]

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early)

Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice, and SCREWed as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependats & Spouses) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPEd and are staying on will recieve as much **** (Special High Intenstity Training) as possible. Management have always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not recieve enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management



(apologies for the stars... but you should be able to work it out easy enough)

[Mblaster]

Dazzle the women with your superior logic skills, guaranteed win!

"If I were to ask you out, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?"

[Behemoth]

Donald Duck is having a dirty weekend in a hotel, he phones down to recepetion and asks

"Could you send some condoms upto my room?"

The receptionist replies

"Thats no problem sir, shall I put them on your bill"

I'll get me coat.

[shadowmaster]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Gerrard]

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Funny how these always come up with some different company's name, but one thing remains; airliners don't have a target radar! They can have a weather radar and ground mapping radar though.

[baius]

... don't have a target radar!

Talking of "radar", mine noticed that we have a repeat candidate!

I'm sure it's a repeat: my (current? if you're reading in a decade's time) says:

Baius
...
0iD@TWDJT: P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

However, who cares... 0iD doesn't seem to care about re-posts (and he's the thread starter, and the original (I think) poster of this WDJoke).

[dave87]

Grandchildren:

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a Grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she
threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was THAT?"

A Grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her
own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.
I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our
front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do
you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we
alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
Grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a
story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she
replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet
, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and
ask what color it was.. She would tell me and was always
correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she
headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we
kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from
attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us
in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no
use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied
, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised.
"mine says I'm four to six."

A second grader came home from school and said to her
Grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The Grandmother, more than a little surprised
, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,d
"how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant
," said a teacher. One of the small boys wrote: "The fireman
came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad
aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?"
she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means
carrying a child."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full
of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs, "she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...

[sleepyhead]

Irish Petrol Station:

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his
tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give
away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

[Tumble]

Why do the Cunard liners have red and black funnels???


To let the smoke out....

[dave87]

Ooof Tumble. Didn't see that coming

[sleepyhead]

Eve's Side of the Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So,
how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically
balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it
up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I
put that useless tit?
Now doesn't that make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

[dave87]

Never Argue with a Woman



One morning, the husband returns the boat
To their lakeside Cottage after several hours of fishing
And decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the
Wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors,
Puts her feet up,

And begins to read her book.



The peace and solitude are magnificent.




Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his
Boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'



'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking,
'Isn't that obvious?')



'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he
Informs her.



'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.
I'm reading.'



'Yes, but I see you have all the
Equipment.

For all I know you could start at any
Moment.

I'll have to take you in and write you
Up.'



'If you do that, I'll have to charge you
With sexual assault,' says the woman.



'But I haven't even touched you,' says
The Game Warden.



'That's true, but you have all the
Equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'



'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.




MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


I've left the last line intact. Didn't want to, but I fear the Resident Battleaxe....

[dave87]

Subject: Chinese meal


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken
Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies,
'Chicken Surprise.'

You're going to love this..................

You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............






'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'