How many animals can you fit in a condom, a cock and few hares
How many animals can you fit in a condom, a cock and few hares
Try having sex while camping. It's intense.
I had sex in the back of my dad's car once.
He was furious when he looked in the rear-view mirror.
Shag: funny word, isn't it?
To ornithologists, it's a bird.
To a smoker, it's a type of tobacco.
To Americans, it's a dance.
And to some, it's just a remote possibility.
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Now what were you thinking?
I can't be arsed any more to check if these are reposts
Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure:
In Africa, they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China, they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America, they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the United States, they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P : Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S:Took hammer away from midget
A guy goes to Barking Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the armed services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, whydon't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, not really any point in you coming in for that.'
Right, dont hate me for this one ok....
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten. . . " As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like this, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian? " he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again. "
Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked ".
Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. . . . . . . . . "
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm a prawn again Christian. . . ! ! !
0iD, I was only pulling your leg about the repitition (if you're even replying to me...). I don't care less. In fact, please let me thank you (I did, btw - again) for the continuous stream of GOOD (not dodgy) jokes.
This should definitely be renamed to:
-> "0iD's Well Good (sic) Joke Thread".
(Note, all the more appropriate, when you see WHO the first poster was.)
An (sterotypical for the sake of humour and no racism intended) Irishman goes to the Doctor with bottom problems....
'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another an d another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?
"Your name never came up..." she replied
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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