The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[watercooled]

Clean it is then:
What's pink and hard??





A pig with a flick knife.

[OiD Licker]

"I think," said the sweet potato, "therefore, I yam"

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: What vegetable might you find in your basement?
A: Cellar-y.

Q: What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A: A Brussels' scout.

Q: What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A: A Leek.

Q: Why do potatoes make good detectives?
A: Because they keep their eyes peeled.

Q. What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside?
A. Corn.

Q: Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
A: The Salad Bar.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.

Q: What's a fresh vegetable?
A: One that insults a farmer.

Q: What is a skeleton's favorite vegetable?
A: Marrow.

Q: What kind of vegetable would you like tonight?
A: Beets Me!

Q: How do change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
A: You throw it up in the air and it comes down squash.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lettuce!
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and I'll tell you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lima Bean!
Lima Bean who?
Lima Bean working on the railroad....!

Q: What's a cows favorite vegetable?
A: A cowat!

Q: What is red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator!

Q: How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch!

Q: What do peases, beanses and soupses come in?
A: Kansas!

Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!

Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!

Q: If a carrot & a cabbage ran a race, who would win?
A: The cabbage, because it is a head!

Q:How do you turn soup into gold?
A: Put 14 carrots in it!

Q: Why can't the magician tell his magic secrets in the garden?
A: The corn has ears & the potatoes have eyes!

Q: A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened?
A: The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!

[OiD Licker]

A woman's vegetable garden is growing like mad, but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting pretty tired of it.

So she walks over to her neighbor's and asks, "Your tomatoes are always red, while mine are always green. How do you do it?"

Her neighbor says, "Well, this may sound absurd, but here's what you do. After dark, go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. When the tomatoes see you they'll get embarrassed and blush. Tomorrow they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck, she figures. So she does it.

The next day her neighbor asks her how it went.

"So-so," she said, "The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are all 4 inches longer."

_________________________________________________________________________
This guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.

He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.

The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."


________________________________________________________
A married woman was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, during one passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past five years!?!"

"Honey, let me explain!"

"Why you impotent louse!" she screamed. "You sneaky son of a prick!"

"Speaking of sneaky..." he interrupted, "would you care to explain our three kids?"

___________________________________________________________________
Two elderly ladies happen to meet at the market after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one of them asks how the other one's husband is doing.

"Oh, Ted died last week! He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh, dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"I opened a can of peas instead."

[OiD Licker]

Alfred is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Alfred goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"

[Zadock]

What's white and can't climb trees?


A fridge!




whats blue and white and really cool?


A fridge in a denim jacket.

[TAKTAK]

Why did the monkey fall out the tree?





It was dead...



----------------------------------

Why did the bird fall out the tree?





It was stapled to the monkey.

----------------------------------

Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?




it was dead too.


----------------------------------

Why did the third monkey fall out the tree?




Peer pressure...

[0iD]

----------------------------------

Why did the third monkey fall out the tree?




Peer pressure...

That was it, I rofl'd

[Zadock]

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?


Because she had no arms

[Zadock]

Once upon a time there was a gardener and he had three daughters.

One day he was out in the garden and one of his daughters came over to him and said "Daddy? why am I called rose?"... "well", he replied, "when you were a baby a rose petal fell on your head so we called you rose". The little girl walks away quite content with her answer.

A little while later his second daughter comes over to him and says "daddy? why am I called daisy?". "Well" he said, "when you were a baby a daisy petal fell on your head so we called you daisy". Daisy is quite content with the answer and skips away.

Some time later the gardeners third daughter, breeze block, comes over to her dad and says "uuuughhhghhghhg".

[Salazaar]

Some time later the gardeners third daughter, breeze block, comes over to her dad and says "uuuughhhghhghhg".

I shouldn't but I LOL'd

[mycarsavw]

What's black and runny?



Usain Bolt

/gets coat

[TAKTAK]

What's black and runny?



Usain Bolt

/gets coat

It's so rubbish it's brilliant.

[0iD]

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just pi$$ off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ...
and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[0iD]

TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

[0iD]

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.



After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.



The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?



I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.



"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."



"I don't worry about terrorism. I was marri ed for two years."



"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."



"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."



Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...



You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.



Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."



First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[sleepyhead]

You're not the only copy & paste addict 0iD

Feeling Unappreciated Lately?


Things Got Ya Down?

Well Then, Consider These ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb..
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better, Are We ?