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An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any f****** Frenchmen to show it to.
matty-hodgson (22-03-2009)
This is wrong so be prepared...
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
chuckskull (22-03-2009),GoNz0 (22-03-2009),Powderhound (22-03-2009)
this is not my joke i got it from bash but its still my fav one off there
Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable
Originally Posted by MadduckUK
our boiler broke so we has no heating or hot water, this is the bloody result ^^
watercooled (24-03-2009)
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts ************.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
A inspector was visting a hospital , and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was rubbishrubbishrubbishrubbishing.
"Oh my god!", said the inspector, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry but, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Inspector.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Inspector, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA.
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"
Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"
Last edited by handscombmp; 22-03-2009 at 04:09 PM.
666moe666 (22-03-2009),alsenior (22-03-2009),this_is_gav (22-03-2009),Workaholic (22-03-2009)
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
alsenior (22-03-2009),shadowmaster (22-03-2009)
Everyone knows that a cat always lands on its feet, while Sod's Law tells us that toast always lands butter side down... so what do you get if you butter a cat and drop it from a skyscraper?
A perPETual motion machine!
watercooled (24-03-2009)
i dont suppose we get a red coloured clay what ever way it lands a is good answerEveryone knows that a cat always lands on its feet, while Sod's Law tells us that toast always lands butter side down... so what do you get if you butter a cat and drop it from a skyscraper?
A perPETual motion machine!
our boiler broke so we has no heating or hot water, this is the bloody result ^^
What was a British soldier doing on a Canadian beach head on D-Day...?
____
(='.'=)
(")_(")
Organizing the landings?
iirc, the beachmasters and their teams were made up of a company of servicemen from the RAF, RN and Army... The Americans did their thing while the British forces handled the beachheads for both British and Canadian landings.
Jade has asked to be cremated and her funeral instructions are as follows: " I want my ashes divided into small silk bags, and passed to all the mourners at the service". She wants to ensure nobody leaves without a GOODY bag ...
/Runs away
i was wondering who would be the 1st
Once there was these three guys who've been trapsing through the jungle
they all havent eaten in days and had to ration there water very prudently
they then came across this pleasent little house (for some reason in the middle of the jungle) and decided to knock on the door too see if the owner had any food to give.
an old lady answered the door (she looks like your grandma, courtney love, and cthulu combined).
she said "I'll let you have any food you want if one of you will have sex with me."
they went back and quickly drew straws.... the poor sap he got the shortest straw stumbled in like he just was about to go to his death sentance. well when he went into the house he seen it filled with delicious looking fruits, pasta dishes, mashed potatos, exotic birds fixed every way shape and form, rare steak and every form of Ramen that has ever existed (besides tomato flavor). the woman cleared off the table and disrobed (remember Cthulu grandma and courtney love in one old ass woman) so the guy had an idea... he asked her to put a blindfold on
he said he couldnt get it up otherwise. So she put one onand then spread out her horible overgrown cactus like bush. he picked the scabs off of her pooty and threw them out the window. Then he picked up a cucumber from the nearest table and looked away while he steadily screwed her with the makeshift vegetible panis.
After a while when she was satisfied he got all the food he can (after discarding the slimy with puss cucumber) and came out with it.
The two other guys said "More food? those soggy potato chips and that cucumber with the sauce on it that you threw out the window filled us up quite nice...
(may have been taken from another site)
please keep the jokes ... clean and not quite so close to the nerve guys.
cheers.
My joke: What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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