The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[0iD]

La Haine is one of the best foreign language films i've seen.

Along with Pan's Labyrinth & Bichunmoo, it is indeed.

[pauldarkside]

Along with Pan's Labyrinth & Bichunmoo, it is indeed.

Ooh, I see a new thread coming - I've been into my world cinema viewings for quite some time and would love to know if there's anything I should have watched or I might missed. Since you enjoyed Bichunmoo, have you seen Zatoichi? I've got Irreversible planned for tonight along with something a little more easy-going to follow as I've heard it's a pretty bleak film.

[mycarsavw]

La Haine is one of the best foreign language films i've seen.

I am all out of jokes today. so i shall go find one and report back later.

Ditto, add in Pan's (as above) and Amores Perros.

[sleepyhead]

Did you know single women can't fart?


















They don't have an a$$hole until they're married!!!

[0iD]

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN :

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates mel ancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

[0iD]

On a desert island there is nothing but a very old, very tall coconut tree.

4 friends pass by, and they happen to be King Kong, an Orangutang, a Chimp, and a Baboon.

They trouble is, they can't agree who is the best. The argument rages on into the afternoon. Ultimately they decide on a challenge, a test of skill. They walk to the far end of the island & and on the count of three they race to see who can be the first to pick a banana from the top of the old tree.


But who won?








If you said
The Urangutang, you're a fool.
The Chimp, you're a dotard.
The Baboon, go back to sleep.

or King Kong, you're hopelessly stupid.




It's a chuffin coconut tree ffs!

[sleepyhead]

Who said pikey's can't afford mansions....?








..and on another note...


You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed."

- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie
brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.

- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there
could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre
and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

- That's Spam!

[0iD]

Who said pikey's can't afford mansions....?

That gets a rofl from me

[sleepyhead]

Yep, I LoL'ed when I was sent that picture.

Onto another joke email sent today...

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,

"Lord, I have a problem."



"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.



"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with

this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not

happy."



"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.



"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and

all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."



"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a

'woman' for you."



"What's a 'woman', Lord?"



"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful

creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure

out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring

that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty

will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for

your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.",

replies the heavenly voice.



"Sounds great."



"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."



"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.



"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your

left testicle."



Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on

his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"



The rest, as they say, is history.

[tiggerai]

hmmmm....

Might just cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle for posting that....

[pauldarkside]

hmmmm....

Might just cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle for posting that....

bollocknese for dinner again eh?

[Nick]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger:'Who?'

Cabbie:'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger:'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie:'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie:'There's more... He had a memory like a computer … Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. H e could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie:'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger:'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie:'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f*****g widow.'

[0iD]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[sleepyhead]

Far too true...it hurts.

[sleepyhead]

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate don't waste your time down at the surgery' Mike replies, 'there's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[tiggerai]

Far too true...it hurts.

Made me laugh!!

Which does actually hurt... having done my back in again.

Tesco doctor is cool too... need one of those.