The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[sleepyhead]

Bob and Jim were a couple of Geordie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Newcastle.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bob said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bob wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Bob says, 'I feel great. How about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Bob says, 'No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
Jim says, 'Yeah, well there's just one thing... Have you farted yet?'
Bob says, 'No.....'
'Well,' Jim says, 'DON'T! I'm in Cornwall!


_______________________________________________________________


If this one is too crude, let me know and I'll delete.

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."


Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."


She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..."

[shadowmaster]

The Morning after the Office Leaving Party

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending one of his office
colleagues Leaving Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is
it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good
sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it
note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is
in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the
morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope
your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you,
darling! Love, Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the
table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,
aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250

Hot Breakfast £3.50

Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[Rob_B]

aaaaw how sweet

[dave87]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, thenjumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy,"Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just atethe cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for thecue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill,pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the baragain, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.Then the monkey finds a peanut, and againsticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surpriseme," replied the guy."He still eats everything in sight,but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[dave87]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that poofter ****e in our garden' she said.

[dave87]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, cycling, played a lot of sport, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

[Behemoth]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, cycling, played a lot of sport, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

You should be ashamed of yourself for rubbish like that lol

[Salazaar]

You should be ashamed of yourself for rubbish like that lol

It made me snigger

[sleepyhead]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now.'

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
really.'

'Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.'


'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird poo.'

Pirate, 'No, it was my first day with the hook.'

_______________________________________________


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanks giving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, ''Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.''

''What do you mean?'' asked his wife.

''Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

'But by the Grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.''


___________________________________________________


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, ' Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s on you!'

[0iD]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town to do some shopping. We were only in the store for about 15 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi cockjockey. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a sh!t eating donkey rapist. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[0iD]

[Whiternoise]

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[0iD]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob...'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy
isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[GoNz0]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said. 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

_________________________________________

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are

only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple

of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely

horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she

killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and,after

a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel

absolutely horrible about what they were doing.








So they buried Deirdre.

[samcross]

Always makes me lol big time.

[Whiternoise]

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"