The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[dave87]

A flat stomach....



A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his
mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mumsees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find
him..
The son sees his mum and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometime s I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mum asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.'

[r_j_k_p]

Nice dave87, jokes on cheating are always hilarious!

[sleepyhead]

The Journey of Man:

When I was 4, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a

Passionate girl with a zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an

Emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I

Needed a girl with stability.



When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable

and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with

some excitement.



When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from

One thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me

Miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I

Decided to find a girl with some real ambition.



When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the

Ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I

owned.



I am older and wiser now, and looking for a girl with big TITS!

[Brucelles]

The tech version of "The Raven" is superb!

http://www.dennydavis.net/poemfiles/cppoem.htm

Thanks for this. I thought it might get missed at the bottom of your Haiku post, so I am giving everyone another chance to follow the link. Brilliance!

[Brucelles]

Sorry about the language, BTW, but I can't really do much about it.

[GoNz0]

Omfg

[Lowe]

Actual tears laughing lol

[finlay666]

"this was a little awkward"

No kidding!!!

[GoNz0]

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.





Ever wonder why?







Because she smells like a new car .

[samcross]

Uncyclopedia

and

Encyclopedia Dramatica

Many lolz to be had on some of the articles.

Sweary

[sleepyhead]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke and a box a chocolets.


Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

[dave87]

First time with Tiger....



A couple on their honeymoon, lying in bed, honeymoon suite Tinto Hotel, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've only been with one guy before."
"Oh yes? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yes it was."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yes? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yes? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy, not to be outshone slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's really tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[mycarsavw]

Probably a repost, most of them are now

Received the following in an email today;

You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer.

I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below, then drag the Y toward the g.

If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.

You dumb ass. You'll believe anything

[Mousemat]

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.



After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:


Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

[Mousemat]

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation and happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.



Number Two Idiot of 2008


Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.



Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK", and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.



Number Four Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.



Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.



Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape!



Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."


STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!

[sleepyhead]

Dr Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty about it all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But, every once in a while, he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

Invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "But Dave.....you're a vet."